I think I've soiled myself

Of mermaids and morons

Starbucks' logoI was in Starbucks with my eldest daughter earlier today, when I got to thinking about the mermaid in the logo having two tails. Which is weird because, as any fool knows, mermaids only have one tail.

At this point, my daughter asked whether mermaids laid eggs, or gave birth to live merbabies. Clearly, mermaids are mammals, because they're half-human, and give birth to live young, in the same manner as dolphins and whales.

But, she replied, they're also half-fish, because they have scales, unlike dolphins. So…??? (confused)

You'd think that it'd be easy to resolve this with the help of the internet. But the first link that she found was to a page on a site written by a complete buffoon, or a tribe of buffoons.

Mermaids are both mammals and fish. They are warm blooded. Mermaids give milk to the babies like people do. In the past they had 4 limbs but in time they turned into 2 tails. Mermaids have 1 tail now a-days. Mermaids don't give live birth, they lay eggs.

Kirra, Tessa, Chayse, Angel, Ella, and Brigette, Are Mermaids Mammals/Fish or Both

Anyone who thinks that an oviparous creature would suckle its young clearly doesn't understand their egg physiology. Or the post-hatch succour provided by oviparous species (clue: it doesn't extend much beyond protection against predation). So, I'm gonna stick with mermaid live-birth. Otherwise, no need for boobies. Innit?

Anyhow, getting back to how this all began: four limbs became two tails—no arms?—which became one tail. Hmmm, nope. I think that Starbucks have it wrong.

Almost as wrong as their caramel frappuccino, which plumbs whole new depths of wrong. (pipe)

There's a disturbing amount of information about mermaids out there!

fat woman swimming underwater dressed as a [cough] mermaid UCR/Stan Lim
It looks like it shouldn't be possible: Jalondra Davis, assistant professor of English and mermaids at UC Riverside.

In the wake of Disney's reimagining of The Little Mermaid, it has come to light that University of California, Riverside has its very own mermaid expert in the shape, and size, of Jalondra Davis. Davis is an assistant professor of English who researches the intersections of Black studies, women and gender and sexuality studies, and contemporary fiction and popular culture. Seemingly unironically: Under the water, she is a mermaid. I'm not making this shit up.

I wonder if Starbucks consulted her. And if she knows whether mermaids are fish or mammals?

Date: Tue, 9 May 2023 10:56:50 +0200
To: jalondra.davisbrown@ucr.edu
Dear Dr Davis, I wonder if you could settle a discussion that I had with my daughter? Specifically, are mermaids mammals or fish? She says fish, because scales. I say mammals, because boobies. Fish don’t suckle their young. This was all sparked off by the Starbucks logo, which shows a mermaid with two tails. Then again, Starbucks is home to the Caramel Frappuccino, so what do they know? Best wishes,