Most of it's boring

Just a regular guy

In what appears to be a desperate attempt to stay relevant in the public consciousness, Ellen Page has come out. Again. Strewth, is she ever in for more than five minutes?

She's no longer a lesbian. Although she still prefers ladies, it's not because she's homosexual; it's because she's actually a man. And his name is Elliot.

This must come as a disappointment to his wife, Emma Portner, who presumably still prefers pussy. Ne'ermind, Emma, there's plenty more in Hollyweird. Just ask Harvey Weinstein for his contacts book; it's not as if he's using it at the moment.

And welcome to Team Oppressor, Elliot. As a white man in Hollywood, you now get to have as many bitches as you can handle. Fuck #MeToo and Time's Up, right? (fist)

Meanwhile, back in the real world…

In all seriousness, though, it's kinda pathetic when attention-seeking celebrity snowflakes feel the need to proclaim their self-identification, and their frikkin' pronouns, as if it's somehow relevant to the world at large. Easy-access social media—particularly Twitter, with its echo chamber for virtue signallers and sycophants—has a lot to answer for.

My joy is real, but it is also fragile.

Elliot Page

Awwww, that is just so…fucking…precious! (snowflake)

The truth is, despite feeling profoundly happy right now and knowing how much privilege I carry, I am also scared. I'm scared of the intrusiveness, the hate, the “jokes” and of violence.

Elliot Page

Word to the wise, Elliot, just come out to your nearest and dearest, rather than Twitter and Instagram. Not making the whole world aware of your gender identity—and your frikkin' pronouns…FFS!—would go some way towards protecting you from all that you fear. Oh, that's right, not nearly as much attention; but you have to accept that there are downsides, as well as upsides, to playing the game. You've let the genie out of the bottle, and he's not going back now. To be absolutely clear, I do not condone hate, nor any threat or act of violence; and I realise that humour is subjective, but some of the jokes and comments that I've read are hilarious. So, thanks for the gift!

As for ascribing your past work to your new real name, how many greater, more iconic artists than yourself have gone under pseudonyms, for either part of their career or its entirety? Norma Jean Baker; Archibald Leach; Marion Morrison; Maurice Micklewhite, not to mention so many, many others. All have achieved greatness, some even immortality, that cannot be attained through social media shock tactics.

Sadly, though, this is how the age-old mystique of celebrity is being constantly eroded. You, Elliot, along with your fellow travellers—social media attention-whores, minor celebrities, and associated liggers—are part of the problem. Why can celebrities no longer be inaccessible? Are you so conceited that you have to post even your most personal details to social media? Is the affirmation of sycophants so important to your delicate ego?

Fortunately for you, casting directors would actually soil themselves if they had to make awkward casting decisions in the face of social media backlash. So, your career should be safe. For now. And, as long as you don't go full-fat trans, you can always go back to being a woman, should the need arise.

By the way, has anyone else noticed that Elliot is a portmanteau of Ellen and idiot? Coincidence, or subliminal messaging?

I have at least learned one thing of, albeit minor, interest from this non-story, and that's that the BBC has an LGBT correspondent, Ben Hunte, who provided a superficial analysis from a flap‑flap‑flap perspective. I don't understand the difference between a correspondent and a reporter, but I'm glad that I no longer have to pay the licence fee for this pandering shit.