The ramblings of a pseudointellectal…or a genuine idiot?

I never ratted on no one before!

There are 264 posts tagged: "in the news"

NY jelly
11 January 2022
New York mayor, Eric Adams, has endorsed a bill allowing non-citizens to vote in local elections. It's not a universally-embraced decision. Opponents argue that the bill gives influence to people who have no commitment to the community, and who haven't put in the work and tax dollars. (more…)
11 January 2022
Protesters on the French overseas territory of St Pierre and Miquelon have attacked their MP, by pelting him with seaweed. Stéphane Claireaux took his ordeal stoically. (more…)
Slumming it
11 January 2022
As its financial position worsens, Evergrande has had to give up the lease on its prestigious headquarters in Shenzhen, China. The company announced that it was remaining in the city, but moving to a building that it itself owns. (more…)
6 January 2022
Laughter is the best medicine, or so we're told. And a prescribed comedy course could be a new way to help people recover from trauma. The sessions will be free for participants, although presumably not for the UK taxpayer; they get their joy from their tax bill. (more…)
I'm No. 1
5 January 2022
For the first time in 90 years, General Motors is not the highest-selling car manufacturer in the US, the number one place in 2021 being taken by Toyota. Toyota were humble in victory, while GM were bullish in defeat. (more…)
Frohes Neues Jahr!
2 January 2022
While those lovable French set cars alight, the Germans take an altogether more sedate approach to welcoming in the new year. I have it on good authority that they like nothing more than throwing fireworks at each other in the street. Consequently, news that there has only been one death in Germany seems like a stroke of good fortune; except to the victim's family, that is. (more…)
Green sky thinking
2 January 2022
Following COP26, now is the time for politicians to make bold pledges; irrespective of achievability. Because grand but empty gestures are just what the world needs. Forget the implementation and actual impact, we'll fix that in post. Or not. (rolleyes) (more…)
Joyeuse Nouvelle Année!
1 January 2022
After the 2020/2021 New Year celebrations were banned in France, in response to the pandemic, the French have returned to celebrating the dawning of 2022 with their traditional Gallic flair. Or should that be flare? (thinking) (more…)
21 December 2021
Pupils aged eight and nine years at Watkins Elementary School, Washington DC, were allegedly forced to re-enact events from the Holocaust, including shootings and digging mass graves. One child was given the role of Adolf Hitler to play, which presumably saved them having to act out any hard labour, although they did have to commit suicide at the end; re-anacted, I hasten to add. (more…)
5G or 0G(enes)
18 December 2021
Necklaces and accessories that are claimed to protect against 5G, which isn't harmful to health, have been found to be radioactive, which is. Hmmm. (thinking) (more…)
Levelling up?
18 December 2021
A story of further embarrassment for BoJo's government, over restrictions-busting office Christmas parties, is remarkable only for bringing to my attention the fact that there's a Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities within HMG. What the actual fuck is levelling up supposed to mean? (confused) (more…)
A rock and a hard place
17 December 2021
The European Medicines Agency has refused approval for a new drug against Alzheimer's disease. Despite it having been approved by the US Food and Drug Administration, the EMA argued that it does not appear to be effective in two trials involving 3,000 patients. (more…)
Take THAT, Pooh!
17 December 2021
The US has previously accused China of genocide towards the Uighur muslims. Now, Congress has passed a bill, by an overwhelming majority, to prohibit imports from the Xinjiang region produced with forced labour. (more…)
Give me the reason
16 December 2021
In an effort to slow the spread of Chongvirus Omicron, French Prime Minister Jean Castex has announced tightened travel restrictions for visitors from the UK. (more…)
Dutch oven
16 December 2021
Thierry Baudet, a right-wing Dutch MP, has been ordered by a court to remove Twitter posts likening restrictions against the unvaccinated to the treatment of Jews during the Holocaust. (more…)
10 December 2021
Chinese property-developer, Evergrande, has missed a crucial repayment deadline. (more…)
Just rephrase the question
10 December 2021
Jussie Smollett has been found guilty of lying to police, when he claimed to be the victim of a racist and homophobic assault in Chicago, almost three years ago. (more…)
Keeping Members (of Parliament) warm
7 December 2021
The animatronic Tyrannosaurus rex at London's Natural History museum is sporting a festive sweater, courtesy of a Leicester knitwear company. (more…)
Daddy's little princess, a chip off the old block
6 December 2021
Ghislaine Maxwell, darling daughter of the late publishing tycoon, Robert, is on trial for sex trafficking underage girls to Jeffrey Epstein. Daddy would be so proud. (more…)
Too soon to hope
2 December 2021
Jack Dorsey, CEO and co-founder of Twitter, is stepping down. Or should that be stepping up, since he's leaving the gutter? (more…)
The wheelchair heist
1 December 2021
A 61-year-old shoplifter was shot dead by a police officer in Tuscon on Monday. Like his weapon, Officer Ryan Remington has been fired. (more…)
A tale of two cities
1 December 2021
Tel Aviv has pushed Paris into joint second place, alongside Singapore, as the most expensive city in the world in which to live. Less than 300km away lies Damascus, which claims the title at the other end of the scale. (more…)
That's a turnip for the books!
1 December 2021
BBC News' Maddy Savage explains how Magdalena Andersson became Sweden's first female Prime Minister, twice! Except she didn't, really. (more…)
Journalistic ethics are a thing...allegedly
1 December 2021
CNN anchorman Chris Cuomo has been suspended indefinitely, over allegations that he aided his sex pest brother, ex-New York governor Andrew. (more…)
Me, myself, I
30 November 2021
During his pre-trial hearing for participating in the US Capitol riot on 6 January, James Beeks claimed that the court had no jurisdiction over him because he had divine authority. I'm not sure whether he's claiming to be directly related to god, or just a messenger. Perhaps his stage role as Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar has gone to his head; although, from my limited knowledge of the Bible, playing Judas doesn't sound particularly divine. (more…)
The piggy premium
26 November 2021
With news that a highly-mutated Chongvirus variant has been detected in southern Africa, the UK transport secretary, Grant Shapps, announced new travel restrictions as a safety-first approach. It at least demonstrates that lessons from the delta variant have been learned. Which is something, I suppose. (more…)
27 down...
26 November 2021
The drowning of 27 illegal migrants in the English Channel is followed by the predictable handwringing from the great and the good. I wonder how many of them would actually turn their own back yards over to a camp? (more…)
I'm a nonentity...get me some publicity!
25 November 2021
British TV host and journalist, Richard Madeley, fell ill on the set of reality TV programme, I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! It certainly did get him out of there, his hospitalisation meant that he'd broken the set's COVID bubble, and it was therefore a one-way trip. (more…)
Tracking Martians
24 November 2021
US defence officials are to launch an investigation of UFO activity in restricted areas, and mitigate any associated threats. (more…)
23 November 2021
A different approach to driving sales comes from Uber Eats, Canada. (more…)
Social media (bath) bombing
23 November 2021
Lush, producer of overpriced and overhyped cosmetics and personal care products, has announced that it will deactivate some of its social media accounts, until platforms take steps to provide a safer environment for users. The platforms of concern are Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok. (fist) (geddit?) (more…)
Let's go...
20 November 2021
I've paid little attention to the Kyle Rittenhouse case. It's too mired in US politics, race relations, and gun law to be of even passing interest. Besides, polarising doesn't exacty float my boat. (more…)
No mobile while mobile
19 November 2021
Things are getting tougher for the UK's drivers. (more…)
Privacy is very important to F*c*book
19 November 2021
F*c*book has admonished the LAPD for breaching its T&C, by establishing fake profiles to surveil users suspected of criminal activity. (more…)
18 November 2021
An all-you-can-eat buffet in Changsha, China, has banned a food live-streamer for eating all that he can eat. The owner of the Handadi Seafood BBQ Buffet stated that Mr Kang was losing him money every time he visited. (more…)
X, the unknown
18 November 2021
Two men convicted of Malcolm X's assassination in 1965 will have their convictions quashed. (more…)
Flowers power
17 November 2021
Following the arrest of Terence Kelly for the abduction of Cleo Smith, the Australian news network, Seven, published photos of Terrance Flowers as the suspect. They took the photos from his Facebook account, where he uses his mother's maiden name, which is also Kelly. (more…)
Pooh payment
12 November 2021
AstraZeneca have announced that, as the WuFlu changes from pandemic to endemic—their words, not mine—the company will start to make some profit from its Chongvirus vaccine. Nick Dearden, director of campaign group Global Justice Now, who appears to live in an economic fantasy land, railed against the decision, stating that it shows the utter folly of giving away publicly-funded science to big pharma. While the AZ vaccine was developed in conjunction with Oxford University, the company has borne the cost of production and getting the drug to market. And it's still the cheapest on the market. (more…)
Butt, officers...
10 November 2021
After Darrell Meekcom mooned a speed camera in Kidderminster, Worcestershire, he was surprised to be arrested, and wrestled to the ground, by no less than six police officers. Meekom suffers from a plethora of disabling diseases, and uses a wheelchair. Most people would think that a single officer, or two since they like to go about in pairs, could've done the job well enough. (more…)
Sporting fashion
4 November 2021
Yet another bait-and-switch from our friends at the BBC. What appears to be a cataclysmic outcome for JD Sports (above), turns out to be more prosaic (below). Instead of being forced to sell the whole company, it's only being forced to sell off a subsidiary that duplicates its own core business. (more…)
3 November 2021
Because we've all been there, haven't we? (more…)
Imagine all the staffers
Restricting what you do*
1 November 2021
It's kinda touching, the naïvety in the create-space. (more…)
1 November 2021
The pekapeka, or long-tailed bat (Chalinolobus tuberculatus (North Island)), has won the title of New Zealand's bird of the year. The victory has upset some people, who unironically took to Twitter—hohoho!—to complain. Nevertheless, the organisers of the poll, Forest & Bird, remain unrepentant. (more…)
D1 R6 D1 S6
26 October 2021
In an otherwise dull and TLDR article, on the discovery of a planet candidate outside our own galaxy, one thing struck me. The name of one of the researchers, Dr Rosanne Di Stefano, is remarkable for its periodicity: D1 R6 D1 S6. (more…)
Not fast enough
24 October 2021
On the shooting death of Ecuadorian sprinter, Alex Quiñónez, outside a shopping centre in Guayaquil, BBC News notes that This is the second killing of an international athlete this month. Just over a week ago, Agnes Tirop was stabbed to death in Kenya. (more…)
Hair razor
22 October 2021
Boys attending school in the Magnolia Independent School District, Texas, are banned from having long hair. Now, seven students are suing the school district for gender discrimination. Okay, seems fair, gender discrimination is wrong, ether way it's applied. (more…)
22 October 2021
Much has been made of the relative attention paid to the disappearance and murder of Gabby Petito, compared to that for black women. The BBC has to mention it every time they report the story—except this time, naturally!—like some tic or idée fixe. (more…)
Spy way
20 October 2021
An investigation as to why a middle-class, suburban US couple turned to spying against their country, revealed that Mrs Diana Toebbe has purple hair. Not that this was the cause of their spying, I hasten to add. (more…)
Symbolic stupidity
16 October 2021
Perhaps it's a slow news day. Or perhaps someone, somewhere feels the need to tap into the zeitgeist. Thames Valley Police have reassured motorists that diversionary road signs at Junction 5 on the M4 will not take them to Squid Game. (rolleyes) (more…)
Funny, not funny
16 October 2021
Outrage has erupted over Dave Chappelle's latest Netflix special, The Closer, as he took aim at the alphabet soupers—particularly the T—and the preferred pronoun poseurs. Verily, the dudgeon, it was high; and the salt, it flowed freely and in abundance. You cannot make fun of the trans, it seems. (more…)
Spaced out
16 October 2021
Following William Shatner's journey into space aboard Jeff Bezos' giant rocket-powered dildo, George Takei spat a little venom in his direction. Shatner wasn't taking it lying down, though. Instead, he tweeted a mighty clap-back. (more…)
Acid tongue
14 October 2021
Claudia Webbe, ex-Labour and currently independent MP for Leicester East, has been found guilty of harassing Michelle Merritt, between September 2018 and April 2020, with, among other things, threats of acid and sending naked photos of Merritt to her family. The basis for these attacks was a relationship that Merritt allegedly had with Webbe's partner, Lester Thomas. (more…)
11 October 2021
As the US government and state authorities introduce mandatory vaccination against the Chongvirus for public sector workers, some of those workers are choosing to leave their jobs instead. Healthcare workers who reject the mandate as politically-motivated, or an invasion of their sovereign rights, have a difficult argument to make in their favour, since they must already be vaccinated against MMR and hepatitis. (more…)
Hello hardly anyone
4 October 2021
F*c*book and its subsidiaries, WhatsApp and Instagram, have been hit by a severe, global outage. In response, Twitter tweeted, in fun: (more…)
1 October 2021
According to the BBC's homepage headline, DNA evidence has revealed a French ex-police officer to be a rapist and murderer. Except, according to the actual article: (more…)
The running woman
30 September 2021
Not all Nazi war criminals give up easily. Instead of attending her trial for complicity in 11,000 murders, 96-year-old Irmgard Furchner did a runner from her nursing home. (more…)
Grand research
30 September 2021
Researchers at Birmingham and Surrey Universities have discovered a security flaw in the combination of Apple Pay and Visa, which could allow thieves to remotely access a Visa account through an unlocked iPhone. Neither Samsung Pay nor Mastercard were susceptible. (more…)
The type of R. Kelly (part 2)*
28 September 2021
The jury's returned, and R. Kelly's goin' down! (more…)
Let the punishment fit the crime
24 September 2021
The Taliban have announced that extreme punishments, including execution and amputation, will resume in Afghanistan. Mullah Nooruddin Turabi, who has an infamously zealous history in the pursuit of justice, claimed that amputations were necessary for security. (more…)
23 September 2021
Lithuania's National Cyber Security Centre has reported security flaws and built-in censorship tools, in 5G mobiles from Chinese manufacturers. As a consequence, the country's Defence Ministry has recommended that its citizens not purchase new Chinese smartphones, and replace their current ones as soon as feasible. (more…)
Learnons-nous Franglais avec BoJo
22 September 2021
In the wake of French outcry over the Aukus military pact between Australia, UK, and the US, Boris Johnson demonstrated linguistic skills that match his capacity for tact and diplomacy. Speaking from Washington, en Franglais, he had this message for Emanuel Macron: (more…)
Not forevergrande
21 September 2021
With the potential collapse of Evergrande, the world's most indebted real estate developer, the outlook for China's economy is looking a little precarious. They'll have to churn out more Chongmasks to compensate. (more…)
Rapper's denial
16 September 2021
One of the joys of instant-access social media is that it offers celebrities the opportunity to show the world how moronic they are. In this case, Nicki Minaj declaring on Twitter that the friend of a cousin in Trinidad became impotent after receiving the Chongvirus vaccine. His testicles became swollen. (more…)
Racist sweatpants
15 September 2021
In support of my earlier observation, that people don't know the meaning of racist, comes a report of a fashion house facing criticism because a $1,190 (£860) pair of sweatpants it sells rips off black culture. (more…)
Pegged out
14 September 2021
Model Cara Delevingne took a similar red-slogan-on-white-outfit approach, with a bullet-proof vest designed by Dior's Maria Grazia Chiuri displaying the words peg the patriarchy. (more…)
Shrinking violet
14 September 2021
The Met Gala—an annual event for the self-important to gather, in ridiculous attire, to general ambivalence from the rest of the world—returned to New York this year, after last year's gala was cancelled due to the pandemic. (more…)
When Supreme Leader says 'jump'...
3 September 2021
It must be easy to be a dictator. All you have to do is tell your minions what to do, and they'll do it. Job done! (more…)
1 September 2021
Does one become prudish as one gets older? Or is the world becoming more permissive? If twenty-year-old me had seen this ad for Channel 4's Naked Attraction on a London bus, would I have thought it cool or crass? (more…)
Who pays the ferryman?
29 August 2021
Ancient Greeks placed a silver coin in the mouths of the dead as payment to the ferryman, Charon, for carrying their soul across the Styx to the underworld. (more…)
The type of R. Kelly*
22 August 2021
Something about the reporting of R. Kelly's trial for racketeering, sexual abuse and bribery struck me as strange. (more…)
Too much too young
19 August 2021
While the Catholic League mither over a Muppet Babies episode fostering transitioning among preschoolers, the Scottish government is going all-in once they get to school. It has published guidance for schools on supporting transgender young people; with young people defined as children or young people who are of school age. (more…)
19 August 2021
As R&B singer R. Kelly goes on trial in New York, accused of racketeering, sexual abuse, and bribery, this sketch is released from the courtroom: (more…)
Idiots 0 : 1 Taliban
16 August 2021
Following the removal of allied forces from Afghanistan, the Taliban curiously reneged on their promise not to be naughty, and have rapidly captured most of the country, including the capital, Kabul. Twenty years of sacrifice, for nothing. I suppose Grandpa Joe now wishes that he'd asked for a pretty pinky promise with a bow on top. (more…)
13 August 2021
After a mass shooting in Plymouth in which five people were killed by a man who described himself as being beaten down and defeated by life, the UK general population has been introduced to an emerging subclass of society, the incel. (more…)
All I want for Christmas is less plastic
13 August 2021
The roadtrip continues to Ningbo-Zhoushan, the world's third busiest port. Chongvirus Delta has closed one of the terminals, reducing the port's capacity by about a quarter. (more…)
Chips ahoy!
13 August 2021
Lee Jae-yong, the Samsung heir who was convicted of political bribery, has been released from his South Korean prison on parole. This comes, in part, following pressure from the US Chamber of Commerce. (more…)
Too close to call?
12 August 2021
Flordelis dos Santos de Souza has been expelled from Brazil's lower house of Congress, for allegedly plotting her husband's murder in 2019. (more…)
No vaccine for zombies
11 August 2021
If you thought that Dr Naomi Wolf's opinions on the Chongvirus vaccine were naive, others arise from the pit of ingorance who are, if anything, even worse. (more…)
Karaoke should be illegal
11 August 2021
China is to ban karaoke songs with illegal content, including songs which incite ethnic hatred and ethnic discrimination. (more…)
League of extraordinary godbotherers
11 August 2021
Disney's Muppet Babies has managed to piss off the Catholics. Yay! (more…)
Chairperson of the board
9 August 2021
Nasdaq, America's second largest stock exchange, has announced its intent to set diversity quotas for listed companies. Companies will have to have at least two directors selected from an approved diversity shortlist. (more…)
5 August 2021
Seventeen people from a Bangladeshi wedding party have been killed, and another fourteen injured, as several bolts of lightning hit the group while they were disembarking from a boat. (more…)
Space cock
5 August 2021
Blue Origin plans to take tourists into space aboard rocket-powered dildos. (more…)
3 August 2021
Sarah Brand's Red Dress is…a song. Of sorts. The accompanying video is…a thing. (more…)
Sore losers
3 August 2021
It appears that Weibo's nationalist shitheads don't take kindly to China's Olympic athletes unpatriotically losing out on gold. From behind their keyboards and keypads, they fulminate and humiliate their fellow countrymen and -women for failing at something that they could never achieve themselves. And the athletes, like dumfux, accept it. (more…)
Time is running out
3 August 2021
And it's a race to the finish line! (more…)
Meat-substitute head
2 August 2021
Ethan Brown, founder of Beyond Meat, is in favour of a tax on meat consumption. No shit, is he really? Who'd've thunk it. (more…)
Ancestral homeland
2 August 2021
It may have been raised in the fetid sewers of India but, yearning for the homeland of its ancestors, Chongvirus Delta has now made its pilgrimage to the fetid sewers of China. This time of year is, apparently, the domestic tourism season, so it should afford an excellent opportunity for Delta to visit many parts of the country. (more…)
Keeping a low profile
27 July 2021
After dropping out of the French Open and Wimbledon grand slam events, Naomi Osaka claimed that she wanted to focus on her preparations for the Tokyo Olympics. It must've come as some surprise to the WTA number 2, then, to exit early in a straight-sets defeat at the hands of 42nd-placed Marketa Vondrousova. (more…)
Virtual schmoozing
23 July 2021
Mark Zuckerberg has announced his vision for Facebook to transition to a metaverse company. (more…)
Trust me, I'm my wife
23 July 2021
A Covid-positive Indonesian man boarded an internal flight disguised as his wife, carrying her passport and negative test result. He was caught mid-air after he changed from his disguise, which included a full-face veil, into his own clothes. Idiot. (more…)
Bursting the bubble?
21 July 2021
Oh shit, that's torn it. (more…)
China doesn't do naughty things on the internet
20 July 2021
Several governments have accused China of hacking Microsoft Exchange. China, in return, has strongly denied these claims, and has always maintained that it opposes all forms of cyber-crime. (more…)
Disney: lower your expectations
20 July 2021
In only its second week of release, Black Widow has been toppled from the top spot at the US box office when ticket sales dropped by 67%. Naturally, the National Association of Theatre Owners attributed this stunning second weekend collapse to the film being made available immediately on streaming. (more…)
Overreacting much?
15 July 2021
Apparently, whities are appropriating black TikTok performers' dance moves without giving the original creators credit. That's pretty bad behaviour; after all, credit where credit's due. But, there's always one poor lamb who either has to fall back on hyperbole, or simply doesn't understand the true meaning of the words that they're using. (more…)
The bigger they come
15 July 2021
Marley Ngarizemo has lost fifteen of his relatives to the Chongvirus in Namibia. This is undoubtedly a personal tragedy for him and his family. (more…)
Game for a laugh
13 July 2021
A sealed copy of Super Mario 64 has sold at auction for a record $1.5m. This is the price range previously occupied only by significant works of art, which can be hung on a wall and admired for the artist's skill. In this case, however, the high price is commanded for physical memorabilia, in the same way as rare trading cards. (more…)
Man at the top
12 July 2021
Interviewed by Amol Rajan on behalf of the BBC, Sundar Pichai, CEO of Google and its parent company, Alphabet, claims that the free and open internet is under attack. (more…)
When lightning strikes
12 July 2021
According to the Indian Meteorological Department, deaths from lightning strikes during the monsoon period have doubled since the 1960s. One of the reasons to which they attribute this is the climate crisis. (more…)
Trigger happy
11 July 2021
In what can only have been a moment of overzealousness, attackers stormed the domestic home of Haiti's president, Jovenel Moïse, and immediately assassinated him. (more…)
Home aid
11 July 2021
The UK government has recently announced a reduction in its foreign aid from 0.7% to 0.5% of national income, to compensate for the pandemic. In her response, Kate Hampton, chief executive of the Children's Investment Fund Foundation, referred to past years' British taxpayer generosity. (more…)
Sullied deals
10 July 2021
I feel bad for nit-picking over an issue as serious as Indian muslim women being harassed on social media by bigoted trolls, for their religion and gender. But I'm going to do it anyway. (more…)
Is this really 'news'?
9 July 2021
The BBC claims to be the world's most trusted international news broadcaster. I take this to mean that it broadcasts news of international importance. If so, how on earth does this non-story make the homepage? (more…)
Pot luck
3 July 2021
When US sprinter Sha'Carri Richardson tested positive for cannabis, her qualifying result from the US Olympic trials was expunged, jeopardising her attendance at the Tokyo Olympics. (more…)
Unleash the lawyers!
1 July 2021
One week after a residential building collapsed in Miami, and as the death toll rises, the search for survivors amongst the rubble continues. The exact cause of the collapse is unclear, although a number of warning signs have been identified, and theories put forward. But, the dust hasn't yet settled, it's still early days. (more…)
Kim Jong-un, when him gon-un?
30 June 2021
North Korea's gluttonous glorious leader, Kim Jong-un, has castigated his top officials for lapses with severe consequences related to the Chongvirus. (more…)
Windows 10+1
26 June 2021
M$ has announced the release of Windows 11, which comes as a surprise to those of us who thought that Windows 10 was not only the last version of Windows, but also the last version of Windows. When it was released in 2015, we were led to believe that the OS won't see a big launch or major upgrade every few years anymore. (more…)
Make mine an hypocrisy on the rocks
25 June 2021
The UK's Health Secretary, Matt Hancock—emphasis on the cock—has been a naughty boy. He's been caught flouting his very own social distancing guidelines, by kissing an aide who he hired. As if he could have had an affair her while maintaining social distancing requirements FFS! (rolleyes) (more…)
Disunite the right!
25 June 2021
A statue of George Floyd—career criminal and patron saint of fentanyl—situated in Brooklyn, New York, has been vandalised. Presumably by an art connoisseur. It was daubed with the website address of a far-right group called Patriot Front. So far, so what? (more…)
Tokyo no-go
25 June 2021
The British Olympic Association admits that some of its athletes don't want to be vaccinated against the Chongvirus prior to the Tokyo Olympic Games. Its chief executive, Andy Anson, said that while 90% of athletes will have been fully vaccinated prior to the Games, some are holding out. (more…)
There, but for the letter 'h'
24 June 2021
A claim that a South African woman had given birth to ten babies has been shown to be false. The woman in question, Gosiame Sithole, is now being held for observation under the mental health act. (more…)
Laurel hardly
21 June 2021
Laurel Hubbard is a transgender weightlifter from New Zealand, who competed as a man until 2013. Hubbard, ranked 17 in the world, will become the first transgender athlete to compete at the Olympic Games. (more…)
Bottom secret
18 June 2021
I thought that I couldn't care less about Victoria's Secret's angels. How wrong I was. (more…)
Prime mover
16 June 2021
In yet another philanthropic big gesture, MacKenzie Scott is giving away $2.7bn to charities. (more…)
E or H2?
11 June 2021
The BBC's chief environment correspondent, Justin Rowlatt, tells us Why it's the end of the road for petrol stations. (more…)
Pleasies don't comsies
11 June 2021
While on an official vist to Guatamala, US Vice President Kamala Harris has urged its citizens not to make the journey to the US to enter illegally. (more…)
Moaning Muslim
11 June 2021
British actor Riz Ahmed wants an end to toxic Muslim characters…on screen. (more…)
9 June 2021
British Airways is in the news. Again. For all the wrong reasons. Again. (more…)
Trust me, I'm a doctor
6 June 2021
Twitter has suspended Dr Naomi Wolf's account, after she was found to have spread vaccine misinformation. Her messages included such gems as vaccines being a software platform that can receive uploads, and that the excreta of vaccinated individuals should be separated from general sewage, until its impact on non-vaccinated people through drinking water has been studied. It seems more humorous, in a batshit crazy way, than misinformative to me; although if it's a sign of her mental illness, then I should feel bad for laughing. (more…)
Criminal mastermindless
5 June 2021
Okay, say you're drug dealers, and you have cocaine with a street value of £500,000 in your car. Would you drive down the hard shoulder of a motorway, even if there was heavy traffic on the road? I mean, what if you were to undertake a police patrol car? They might give chase in an attempt to pull you over. You'd have to be pretty stupid, right? (more…)
The fifteen percenters
5 June 2021
Finance ministers from the G7 group of leading economies are meeting in London to come to agreement on taxation of multinational companies. Some nations are upset that their taxation greed is driving multinational companies to find more tax-efficient countries to establish themselves. (more…)
Ba-da-Bing ba-da-bong
5 June 2021
Tank Man was an iconic symbol of the 1989 student protests in Tiananmen Square. A lone, unidentified man stood in front of a column of Chinese PLA tanks, only moving as the lead tank tried to manoeuvre around him, to once again block its path. China has censored all reference to this protest within the country. The L in PLA is as ironic as Tank Man is iconic. (more…)
Annihilation of conscience?
1 June 2021
A Chinese blogger, Qiu Ziming, has been jailed for slandering heroes and martyrs after criticising Chinese soldiers who died during clashes at the border with India. (more…)
At one with nature
31 May 2021
Children in Blackpool don't have enough access to nature, at least according to teachers at Westminster Primary Academy. They have cited a nine-year-old who had never seen the sea, despite living in a seaside town, and a ten-year-old who didn't know what a duck was. (more…)
Tastes like chicken
22 May 2021
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warns that, alongside public health officials in several US states, it's investigating several outbreaks of Salmonella infections, linked to contact with backyard poultry. Across 43 states, 163 people have thus far been affected, 34 of whom have been hospitalised. (more…)
Bad noose
22 May 2021
Construction on an Amazon warehouse in Windsor, Connecticut, has been shut down after seven nooses were found on the site in the last month. (more…)
Privates on parade
20 May 2021
Yet another German terrorist plot. And, once again, under German privacy rules the suspect's surname cannot be revealed. In this case, the suspect is a military officer who's only named by the BBC as Lt Franco A. (more…)
The new Thinkpol in training
5 May 2021
Sarah Hewitt-Clarkson, head teacher at Anderton Park primary school, is instilling a nice little Orwellian ethic in her pupils. Children have been taught to call out sexist language and even to identify sexist stereotypes in books and worksheets. And the programming training starts at the age of three years in the nursery school. (more…)
Car park sharks
2 May 2021
Car parks at UK city and town centres and railway stations have seen less traffic recently. The pandemic is a contributing factor, although it's not the only one. Flexible working practices; urban traffic control measures; and the growth of online shopping have all taken their toll. So much so, that the UK's largest car park operator, NCP, has reported that its revenues have dropped by 80% since the onset of the pandemic. The company is trying to renegotiate its leases with its landlords, in an effort to cut costs and avoid insolvency. (more…)
Economic bubble
19 April 2021
Australia and New Zealand have opened a travel bubble for flights between the two nations, because they both have the pandemic under control and are safe. Until they're not, that is. (more…)
Product displacement
19 April 2021
Product placement is a reality of advertising in today's entertainment industry. It's become so everyday, that much of it passes us by, at least consciously. Occasionally, something comes along that's so unsubtle as to be almost aggressive; but, by and large, product placement goes unnoticed. That's probably when it's most effective, when it's subliminal; but I'm no marketing psychologist. (more…)
The call of the wild
16 April 2021
The citizens of Kraków, Poland, can sleep peacefully in their beds once again. (more…)
Secure paws-words
9 April 2021
According to a survey by the UK's National Cyber Security Centre, millions of Britons use their pet's name as their online password. (shock) (more…)
Null points
2 April 2021
The Dutch government has given permission for 3,500 fans to attend the Eurovision Song Contest in person this year. I'm surprised that there are that many. Obviously lockdown has had a greater detrimental effect on the Dutch psyche than I'd imagined. (more…)
Come fly with me
31 March 2021
From the Bonkers Institute comes an analysis which concludes that A small minority of frequent flyers dominate air travel. No shit! I guess that must be why they're called frequent flyers then. At least that little question's cleared up. (more…)
Curfew quarrel
25 March 2021
Following the abduction of Sarah Everard in south London, police officers working on the case in the area advised women not to go out alone and to be careful; which doesn't seem too unreasonable, since the perpetrator was still at large at the time. But Baroness Jones of Moulsecoomb's response in the House of Lords upset a number of people, and was widely ridiculed: (more…)
The Price is right
23 March 2021
Alexander Price, a teacher at Denbigh High School in north Wales, has been struck off the teachers' register for two years, for inappropriate, offensive, or derogatory blog posts, in which he mocked the school's pupils and teaching staff. Among other thoughts, he described the girls attending school prom as dressing like Eastern European prostitutes and Kardashian clones; having poorly applied fake tans, because they were too illiterate to read the instructions; and as overweight girls being shoehorned into gowns and paraded through the town like cattle. (more…)
Follow the money
8 March 2021
Billionaire MacKenzie Scott, the ex-wife of Amazon's founder, Jeff Bezos, received 4% of Amazon stock as part of their divorce settlement. She has since given away $4bn of her $53bn fortune, and intends to give away the majority of the rest. Easy come, easy go. (more…)
Inside out
12 February 2021
Once again, I feel mean for nitpicking on BBC journalism. But when, on the same day, you claim to be the world's most trusted international news broadcaster, you've gotta get shit right. (more…)
Dodging a bullet?
8 January 2021
As Trump Republicans invade the Capitol, outgoing US President Donald Trump snubs the inauguration of President-Elect Biden, while also facing calls for a second impeachment and to be thrown out of office. And, thus, one of the most divisive US presidencies comes to an inglorious end. Not that it was too auspicious at the best of times. (more…)
God's right hand
26 November 2020
On the death of Diego Maradona, huge crowds in Argentina are in mourning. (more…)
The party's over
25 November 2020
The seizure of almost $1 billion worth of the hallucinogenic party drug ketamine in Thailand promised to be a major party-pooper. Initial field testing confirmed the find. (more…)
The moral minority?
19 November 2020
The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl's Fairytale of New York is a Christmas classic, beloved since its release in 1987. This year, however, BBC Radio 1 will only play an edited version because its audience may be offended by some of the lyrics. Shit…bag! (more…)
How many Republicans does it take to confirm a judge?
27 October 2020
Orange Don's nomination for the US Supreme Court, Judge Amy Coney Barrett, has been confirmed by the US Senate in a 52-48 vote. According to the BBC's report, Mr Trump's fellow Republicans voted 52-48 to approve the judge, overcoming the unified opposition of Democrats. (more…)
We wish you a merry Christmas
23 October 2020
As more of England and Wales goes into the highest tier of COVID-19 restrictions, Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Stephen Barclay, said there was a common purpose here to get the virus down so people could enjoy Christmas. (more…)
One in a million
22 October 2020
Spain has recorded more than one million coronavirus cases, becoming the first western European country to pass that landmark figure. (more…)
Picture imperfect
21 October 2020
If you desire a special commemoration of a beloved pet, acclaimed artist Hercule Van Wolfwinkle is your go-to portraitist. Just supply a photograph of the subject to be immortalised, and he'll supply the magic—availability notwithstanding, he's insanely popular and has a long wait-list. But it's not difficult to see why: (more…)
Silly sausage
21 October 2020
One of the, ahem, meatier subjects to be debated by the European Parliament this week is when is a sausage not a sausage? (more…)
Be careful what you (don't) wish for
21 October 2020
During protests in Lagos, Nigeria, against police brutality, several demonstrators have been killed instead by military brutality, in what Lagos state governor, Babajide Sanwo-Olu, termed an unfortunate shooting incident. (more…)
Losing your head
19 October 2020
In the wake of the brutal murder of a French teacher by an Islamic fundamentalist, thousands have rallied across France to support and honour him. (more…)
You can't keep a good man down
4 September 2020
Four years after his death was announced, on 1 September 2016, Gene Wilder is enjoying a revival. The article announcing his passing is trending on BBC News. (more…)
Sponger sponging
26 August 2020
The UK government's scheme to get more people eating in restaurants during August has not been an unqualified success. Some hospitaliers have complained about abuse towards staff; that the influx of custom is focussed between Monday and Wednesday, when the scheme is in effect, leaving the weekends quiet; and that support would have made more impact during the off-season period, when it's more needed. (more…)
It's finger cleanin' responsibly good
25 August 2020
KFC is temporarily shelving its finger lickin' good slogan, in light of the pandemic. (more…)
Party poopers
23 August 2020
As Birmingham is added to the UK government's yo-yo watch list, due to a spike in COVID-19 cases, police have disrupted more than seventy unlicensed social gatherings in one night. (more…)
Missiles, target,...?
23 August 2020
After initially denying its involvement, Iran has admitted downing a Boeing 737 belonging to Ukraine International Airlines in January. (more…)
10 August 2020
While reporting the shameful and disrespectful forced redundancy of British Airways' staff through fire and rehire tactics, the BBC has diplomatically changed the names of their respondents. Could this be to protect them from company retaliation? If so, it's very laudable, and most definitely the right thing to do! (more…)
What a fool believes
2 August 2020
Elon Musk, a man who believes in life out there (points at the stars), may have embarrassed himself on Twitter by tweeting that Aliens built the pyramids obv. Egypt's Minister of International Co-operation, Rania al-Mashat, and Egyptian archeologist Zahi Hawass have refuted his statement—but they would, wouldn't they?—although I thought that al-Mashat's response was unnecessarily deferential to the space cadet. (more…)
Pas de chokehold, pas de mort
16 July 2020
Whereas in the US, the public protests when police are accused of racially-motivated excessive use of force, in France it's the police that protest. (more…)
Lady A at war with Lady A
11 July 2020
Following the death of George Floyd, and amid a reappraisal of racially insensitive practices, country trio Lady Antebellum changed their name to Lady A. Which is unfortunate, since Anita White has performed under that same name for two decades. Now Lady A(ntebellum) are suing Lady A(nita). (more…)
I'll make my own mind up, as long as it's alright with you
8 July 2020
As a supporter of the freedom of speech, the recent cancel culture phenomenon repulses me. So I was heartened to read of a letter published in Harper's Magazine, signed by around 150 writers, academics, and activists, condemning cancel culture and the stifling of debate. (more…)
Not much anonymity
20 February 2020
A suspected racially-motivated attack in Germany, which is being treated as terrorism, has claimed at least nine victims. According to police, the suspect, a 43-year old German citizen identified only as Tobias R by local media, killed himself. (more…)
The Deer Hunter
25 October 2019
Thomas Alexander was hunting deer near the Orzak mountains in Arkansas when he shot and felled a buck. When he approached the deer to check that it was dead, it stood up and gored him. Mr Alexander was later declared dead. (more…)
The will of God?
7 September 2019
An Indian couple, Mangayamma Yaramati and Sitarama Rajarao, have welcomed twin daughters following IVF treatment. This wouldn't really be worthy of comment, if were not for the fact that she is 73, and he is a sprightly 82 years young. (more…)
The elixir of youth. Or not?
19 March 2019
Kazakh president Nursultan Nazarbayev has resigned at the insanely young age of only 78. He has been the sole president of the oil- and mineral-rich nation since its independence from the Soviet Union in 1990. (more…)
A funny thing really did happen on the way to the Fringe
20 August 2018
…At last! Dave announced the award for the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe, and it's not one of Tim Vine's groan-worthy attempts. (more…)
How long is "long"?
30 September 2017
If you're Hugh Hefner, and you're referring to your future with your new bride, it would be less than five years. (more…)
Eat 'til you bust
8 August 2017
The Trendy Shrimp, a mall restaurant in Hangzhou, Zhejiang province, China, has been criticised for a crass advertising campaign which offered discounts to women based on the size of their bust. A woman with an A-cup bra could get 5% off of her meal, while the owner of a G-cup could get 65% off. That's a pretty safe bet; I can't imagine that there would be too many of those being awarded in China. (more…)
May god go with you...but take back-up just in case
11 July 2017
William Rian Adams, a North Carolinian priest, pulled a gun on two people in a road rage incident. (more…)
Is there a copy editor in the house?
10 July 2017
In a report on a fire at London's Camden Lock Market, the BBC notes that: London Ambulance Service was called in, but confirmed it had not treated any patients. (more…)
Crème de la crème
22 June 2017
Rebecca Burger, a well-known French lifestyle blogger, was tragically killed when a pressurised whipped cream dispenser exploded and hit her in the chest. Mme Burger apparently described herself as a fitness, travel, and fashion enthusiast. (more…)
Cereal killer
21 June 2017
In an effort to improve children's health, by fostering healthier eating, public health officials in Liverpool have named-and-shamed breakfast cereals with high sugar content. Among the shockers is the revelation that Kellogg's Frosties has the highest sugar load of all. Is this really news? Come on, you can see the bloody sugar on the flakes, it's part of the attraction if you're a kid! (more…)
A Bridge Not Far Enough
16 June 2017
Yves Bot, advocate-general to the European Court of Justice, has said that the card game Bridge is a sport and should be exempt from VAT—sales tax. (more…)
Policemen talking bollocks
30 May 2017
It's a strange thing, but when policemen talk to the press they use a special bollocks language. (more…)
Let's go with plan B
20 November 2016
As a general rule, gloating at someone else's personal failure is not a good look; schadenfreude is pretty mean-spirited without context. There are exceptions, however, and Elizabeth Holmes is one of mine. (more…)
Seeing double
21 September 2016
Another day, another black man killed by US police. It's so every day that it doesn't bear comment. But I am angry at the abuse of the English language by a woman claiming to be Keith Lamont Scott's sister: He didn't have no gun, and He wasn't messing with nobody. (more…)
Hawking to appear at Glastonbury
13 May 2015
Prof. Stephen Hawking is to appear at this year's Glastonbury festival, as the result of a booking error. They thought they were getting Hawkwind. (more…)
Deadly cricketing injuries
30 November 2014
For anyone, including myself, who thought that cricket was possibly more tedious and less dangerous than watching paint dry, come two poignant events that dispel the myth. Only days after Australian batsman Philip Hughes died after being struck in the neck by a bouncer, Israeli umpire Hillel Oscar died after being struck in the neck by a freak ricochet from a batsman's shot. (more…)
Alvin Stardust: done rockin'
23 October 2014
Those of a certain age may remember Bernard Jewry's alter ego, Alvin Stardust—the one that he took on after abandoning Shane Fenton, that is. I'm unsure if this is a good thing or not. He never really appealed to me, being part of the early '70s UK glam rock scene that is such a shit stain on my memory. But, otherwise, he wasn't particularly offensive as such. (more…)
Doner card
27 October 2013
Kadir Nurman, a Turkish migrant to Germany who was credited with inventing the doner kebab, has died at the age of 80. Although grilled meat carved from a skewer was already popular in Turkey, Nurman added salad and served it in a flat bread; and thus was born a staple of fast-paced life in West Berlin, and drunken pub chuck-out time the length-and-breadth of England. (more…)
23 August 2013
Police in Belgium have recovered drugs and chemicals worth an estimated €1.3 billion in a raid on an illicit drugs factory. Eleven suspects, all aged 30 to 50, have been arrested (more…)
Dangerous by design?
15 August 2013
The furniture chain Ikea is recalling thousands of children's beds, because of a design fault. (more…)
Fat cat gets fatter
13 August 2013
Paul Walsh, who stepped down as chief executive of Diageo in June, trousered a cool £14.8 million in his last year in the role, mainly as a result of incentive plans linked to the company's performance. (more…)
The land of the free?
9 August 2013
Further fallout from the Edward Snowden affair is that the US-based email service that he allegedly used to send encrypted messages has closed down. (more…)
The method of Sherlock
22 July 2013
The body of a woman has been found in a suitcase in Mill Hill, north-west London. The Metropolitan Police have applied their best brains to the case, and are treating it as murder. (more…)
Silent running
26 June 2013
Drayson Racing Technologies has broken the world land speed record for a lightweight electric vehicle, with the Lola B12 69/EV. The car recorded a top speed of 328.6km/h (204.2mph) at RAF Elvington in Yorkshire. I think that it is quite pretty, in a my-wife-would-never-approve kind of way, although the range (as far as the extension cable) and luggage capacity (none) might be problematic. (more…)
Placebo it is not
25 June 2013
Convicted child murderer, Ian Brady, is appealing against the diagnosis that he is mentally ill, which might in itself be proof of his mental illness. (more…)
Mars attacks!
21 June 2013
In 2009, the UK Ministry of Defence closed its UFO desk because, according to newly released files, it served no defence purpose and was taking staff away from more valuable defence-related activities. (more…)
Catch me if you can
18 June 2013
Suspected war criminal Laszlo Csatary, a Nazi policeman in 1944, has been charged by Hungarian prosecutors with torture and murder of Jewish prisoners. His trial is expected to start in three months. (more…)
You can't keep an old man down for long
5 January 2013
After she called it off, it's back on, and 86-year-old Hugh Hefner's bride-to-be is now officially his carer-to-be. (more…)
The rise of Skynet
27 November 2012
Prof. Bonkers and his colleagues at Cambridge's Centre for the Study of Existential Risk are to investigate whether technology could destroy human civilisation. He cautions against dismissing a potential rise of robots which, while not necessarily malevolent, may have interests that don't include those of humans. (more…)
Savile row
16 November 2012
During investigations into child abuse at Welsh children's homes, one victim implicated a high-ranking Conservative Party official in a recent Newsnight broadcast. Apparently the individual wasn't named during the programme, but later Twitter chatter wrongly named former party treasurer Lord McAlpine. (more…)
I'm too young to die!
9 November 2012
In 2010, President Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan set researchers the task of discovering an elixir that could prolong his life. Two years later, they came up with a bio-yoghurt that they claim will do just that. (more…)
Hubris: how gay!
9 November 2012
In a perhaps unguarded moment during a light-hearted radio interview, New Zealand's Prime Minister John Key referred to a presenter wearing a gay red top. This outraged some who construed it as a slur against the homosexual community. Key later defended himself, stating that he used the word gay to mean weird rather than as a deliberate offence; although the Oxford Dictionary only notes its use in this manner to mean foolish, stupid, or unimpressive. (more…)
Keep death off the roads: drive on the pavement!
8 November 2012
A driver in Cleveland, Ohio, who was caught avoiding a school bus by driving on the pavement, was handed down an unusual punishment by the judge. In addition to losing her licence for 30 days and paying a $250 fine, Shena Hardin will have to hold up a sign which states only an idiot would drive on the sidewalk to avoid a school bus. (more…)
You know where to come. Or not.
7 November 2012
Comet, the UK electrical goods retailer is the latest victim of the economic downturn, entering into administration on 2 November. According to the administrators, Deloitte: (more…)
Civil war in The Civil Wars.
7 November 2012
Grammy award-winning US pop-country duo The Civil Wars are currently on tour in the UK. Except that they're not any longer, because they've cancelled the remainder of the tour due to internal discord. (more…)
Obama re-elected. Twice.
7 November 2012
According to the BBC, Obama has been re-elected, and in addition he's been re-elected as US president. I'm not sure what the first election was for, but I'm sure he's very happy nonetheless. (more…)
Is this really the world's ugliest building?
2 November 2012
The Ryugyong Hotel in the North Korean capital, Pyongyang, has had an unfortunate start in life. Construction of the 105 storey, 330 metre high building, the 47th tallest in the world, commenced in 1987 and it's still not finished. (more…)
Some people are never satisfied
30 October 2012
Baidu, China's largest search engine, has announced a 60% increase in net income for Q3/2012 compared to Q3/2011. Financial market analysts, however, seem to be oddly pessimistic: (more…)
Benny joins the justice league
29 October 2012
In the wake of allegations of sexual abuse of minors by Jimmy Savile and some of his entourage—or one of his entourages as it happens—the Catholic Church in England and Wales has written to the Holy See to ask whether the papal knighthood bestowed on Savile in 1990 can be revoked. But it appears that this might not be possible. (more…)
Jimmy Savile: nasty man
26 October 2012
Hmmm, curiouser and curiouser…in an earlier report from 5th October, the beauty contest winner who alleged that she was raped by Jimmy Savile apparently tells a different story of her encounter to The Daily Mail: (more…)
Tits oot fer the lads! A political protest by the PHWOAR! Party
24 October 2012
Femen, a Ukrainian radical feminist movement, is fighting against patriarchy, in its three manifestations: sexual exploitation of women, dictatorship and religion. They accomplish this by radically protesting while topless, which has got to hurt during the Ukrainian winter. (more…)
Jimmy Savile: nasty man with nasty friends...allegedly
24 October 2012
Following revelations that the erstwhile Saint James was a predatory sex offender, a woman has come forward claiming that he raped her: (more…)
I was asleep when my mum woke me
22 October 2012
Teenager Ben London was asleep in bed when a car crashed into his room. But it wasn't that that woke him, it was his mother's shouting that raised him from his slumber. According to the BBC: (more…)
17 October 2012
Following the England Under-21 soccer team's 1-0 victory over Serbia, and racial abuse of England defender Danny Rose, a spokesman for Number 10 said that British Prime Minister David Cameron was appalled by the scenes that we have seen in Serbia. (more…)
Now then, now then! Jimmy Savile done pervin', allegedly*
9 October 2012
It appears that the late Saint Jimmy Savile had a predilection for ladies of a certain age. And in his case, the age may have been lower than that of consent. (more…)
Tits oot fer the lads! Or 'hubris, thy name art Royal scandal'
18 September 2012
After some innocent holiday snaps taken of a picturesque French chateau were shown to include views of Kate's knockers, they were offered for sale to the British press.* According to the BBC: (more…)
Pas de merde, Sherlock
6 September 2012
Yet another instalment in my exploration of the crime fighter's rapier mind; this time from France. (more…)
4 September 2012
Ever since the Watergate scandal, lazy journalists and politicians have referred to controversies as whatevergate. The Iran-Contra affair was Irangate, there's been more than one memogate, while the UK had both hackgate and murdochgate for one affair, and France had Twittergate. And there are many, many others. (more…)
Honour and offer
29 August 2012
The Great British Members of Parliament are whinging again. This time it's that too many honours go to the elite few—businessmen, politicians, and celebrities—for just doing the day job. (more…)
Art is in the eye of the beholder
24 August 2012
Cecilia Gimenez was so upset at the damage to a fresco in Sanctuary of Mercy Church near Zaragoza, Spain, that she decided to restore it herself. (more…)
No shit, Sherlock: Sherlock returns
17 August 2012
From the gruesome files, a woman's head has been found in a park in Mississauga, Ontario. The previous day, a severed human foot, with painted toenails, was also found. It's not yet confirmed that they belonged to the same body, but that appears to be the working hypothesis. (more…)
Saudi Arabia is not feeling .gay
15 August 2012
Saudi Arabia has objected to several new gTLD, including .gay, on the basis that they may offend, or promote practices that are counter to their religion. The poofs, on the other hand, counter that .gay is needed for support. (more…)
Twitter: is this the end of the road?
2 August 2012
The BBC reports that Helen Skelton has closed her Twitter account, because she cannot cope with negative comments. How many will follow her and abandon the sinking ship? (more…)
Barclays' boss to resign!
29 June 2012
At the moment, Barclays' CEO Bob Diamond is saying that he won't resign over the lending rate fixing scandal. But we all know that when someone in this position says they won't resign, that's exactly what they do…quietly…two weeks later. (more…)
Oh the irony!
14 June 2012
A drinking party in Russia allegedly boarded a light plane and set off, never to be seen again—at least they're searching. It's not absolutley clear as to whether the pilot was one of the revellers or completely sober, but since everyone in Russia is a raving alcoholic enjoys a good party, let's assume the worst. (more…)
Oooops! Well, it could happen to anyone!
6 June 2012
So, imagine that your plane crashes into a busy city suburb, killing all 153 people on board, and an unknown number on the ground. How would you describe this? (more…)
I (heart) Vogue
4 May 2012
Vogue magazine has pledged to only work with models who are not unhealthily stick-thin or below the age of 16. (more…)
Canned meat product: spiced and served with a chapati
23 April 2012
According to a report from Sophos, India is now the most prolific country for spam: India has become the top spam-spewing nation on the planet, rapidly passing the US. Except that the report ranks nations by the amount of junk mail routed through computers in each country. (more…)
Olympus!, Olympus!, Olympus!
7 March 2012
I have a warm feeling. And it's not because I've pissed myself. Honest. (more…)
Wot you lookin' at?
27 January 2012
Those sons of fun at the USAsian FBI plan to develop—or, rather, have developed for them—a handy-dandy tool that will sniff its way through social networks and suck up all the terrorist plots. Certain keywords that are only used by bad people plotting naughtiness can be added. These will trigger the hairs on the backs of their necks, and bring their righteous wrath down on the sorry arses of Osama and his like-minded friends. (more…)
And take that HTC!
20 December 2011
As if BT's fight against the evil empire wasn't enough, Apple claims a righteous victory in stamping those little upstarts HTC, and wopping their sorry arses back to Shitphoneville! It was only one patent infringement, but it'll make them think twice about stealing someone else's intellectual property—that was likely bought dirt cheap from the real developer. (more…)
Auntie Beatie weighs in on Android
19 December 2011
Old auntie Beatie, bless her, has fluffed up her cardie with righteous indignation. BT is going to do what Apple, Microsoft, and countless others have failed to do, slay the damned Google dragon. Oh yes, lawyers are involved; but after auntie's finished, so will Google be. (more…)
Oh no! Poor Joe! He's got no morals
14 November 2011
One of the joys of international business travel is the opportunity to be in proximity to people who're sick. In this case, I contracted viral bronchitis on a flight to Washington, and thus I came to spend an evening at George Washington University Hospital's A&E. (more…)
Olympus, Olympus, Olympus!
8 November 2011
You recall how Olympus sacked Michael Woodford, allegedly for his questioning of past fiscal malpractice? It turns out that he may have been on to something. (more…)
Send me to jail, please*
8 November 2011
It appears that doing hard time in jail means something different in Mexico. A recent inspection of a jail in Acapulco revealed the presence of prostitutes, plasma TVs, marijuana, and fighting cocks, as well as female inmates living in the male section. (more…)
No more Sony Ericsson
27 October 2011
But, fear not, it is solely because Sony has bought out its partner. (more…)
Gissa job!
19 May 2011
Munich Re, a German reinsurance company, held an orgy for its best salesmen in 2007, at which the services of several prostitutes were supplied as a reward for their success. It's not reported as to how their saleswomen were rewarded, unless they were the ones with the white wristbands. (more…)
It was never like that in my day
4 March 2011
…my college days, that is. (more…)
Is this addiction?
23 February 2011
A Chinese guy reportedly died after a three-day online gaming session, during which he neither ate nor slept. In the month before his death, he spent almost £1000 on gaming. This was all done at an internet café, rather than his own home, so it makes you question their hygiene standards. After all, he must have positively reeked. (more…)
Gone with the wind
4 February 2011
Heinz's bullish predictions for boosting baked bean sales in Africa took a turn for the worse when Malawi's justice minister interpreted environmental fouling legislation as criminalising farting. That's right kids, cracking one off* in public could become a misdemeanour in Malawi. (more…)
Not so anonymous
27 January 2011
Ahh, yes, Anonymous, that eclectic band of spineless ne'er-do-wells selfless heroes righting wrongs on t'internet. (more…)
Poor Kate (sad)
10 January 2011
Those heartless commie bastards at ASLEF are threatening to call a tube strike on the day of the Royal wedding. It seems that poor Kate will have to make alternative arrangements to get to the church. (more…)
Hugh Hefner, sweet boy
27 December 2010
Hugh Hefner, that old romantic, proposed to the current love of his life on Christmas Day. Hefner, only 84 years young, has been taken out of circulation, ladies, by that hussy Crystal Harris, a mere 60 years his junior. Obviously, she's smitten by his boyish good looks, but I can't imagine what he sees in her! (more…)
The salad days of a petty thief
21 September 2010
Hampshire police have released an e-fit of a casual thief wearing what appears to be a lettuce on his head. If caught, he's to be given a dressing down. (more…)
George Michael: 'im goin' down
15 September 2010
George Michael has been sentenced to eight weeks for driving under the influence of cannabis. Or, rather, crashing his car under the influence of cannabis. (more…)
May I have my job back? Pretty please?
23 August 2010
A former senior Filipino police inspector, Rolando Mendoza, has allegedly taken a bus full of hostages in Manila, in an attempt to regain the job that he lost in 2008 following allegations of robbery, extortion, and drug-related crimes. (more…)
Something for the man who has everything, except dignity
11 August 2010
According to BBC News, Spain's plans to have 2,000 electric cars on the road by the end of 2010 have been dealt a blow as figures showed just 16 have been sold. (more…)
The importance of the letter 's'
26 July 2010
In an otherwise dull Hollywood legal story, the name of lawyer Michael Plonsker struck me as a matter of if-not-good-it-could-have-been-worse luck. (more…)
Apples 'n' Pears
15 July 2010
The Bonkers Institute has concluded, from a survey of fat ladies, that those who deposit their chocolate rations on their hips are more likely to have bad memories than those with wobbly bellies. (more…)
Downward spiral
6 July 2010
Depression may lead to dementia. How depressing is that? (more…)
Oooooer Matron!
6 July 2010
One of Kensington and Chelsea Council's hospitals hired out a closed, but fully-functioning, ward to a porn company, presumably one looking for authenticity in its art. The council's director at the time, and now Conservative MP, Penny Mordaunt responded: (more…)
If you're dead, you'd better stay dead!
28 June 2010
Shortly after Mexican narcocorridos singer Sergio Vega confirmed that reports of his murder were premature, person or persons unknown corrected the oversight. Guy should've kept his mouth shut. (more…)
Ungrateful little arsewipe!
4 June 2010
Following the shootings in Cumbria, the United Kindom's very own, finely-coiffured Prime Minister has visited the area to get his face in the news and pretend he cares show solidarity with the local populace. But some tosser has the temerity to complain to the BBC's reporter: One man told me he was angry that it has taken a shooting for the prime minister to visit the town. (more…)
The scoop on the poop
26 May 2010
Apparently streets awash with dog poo and vagrants isn't much of an incentive and, consequently, London has slipped to 39th spot on the world's cities in terms of quality of living. (more…)
The irony is almost touching!
6 May 2010
A KKK leader has shot dead a recruit named Lynch. (more…)
Life on Mars, or elsewhere!
30 March 2010
And now Prof. Bonkers and colleagues from the Cassini space mission have demonstrated that the man in the moon is actually PacMan! Although in this case the moon in question is Mimas, one of those orbiting Saturn. (more…)
Not to be outdone, FF gets its own government health warning
23 March 2010
And now those loveable, laff-a-minute Germans are advising against the use of Firefox. Herr u. Frau Smug, who dumped IE to avoid the ballyhoo over Billy's Bastard Browser™, have simply opened up their pooters to rape'n'pillage through security flaws identified in FF3.6, which was itself released to fix earlier vulnerabilities. (more…)
File under 'Rocks, dumb as'
23 March 2010
A US couple boasted on TV about how much money they made by selling stolen goods. The evidence was used against them in a court of law and now they're doing time in ol' pokey. (more…)
The Queens' Regiment
19 March 2010
Gen. Bonkers (retd) claims that Dutch leaders had told him that Srebrenica fell due to openly gay soldiers in the defending Dutch army. So far, so mundane, but this quote from the BBC puzzled me: (more…)
OMG, there's more of them out there, just waiting...waiting...
16 March 2010
Just when you thought that the interwebz were awash enough with dumb yanks, it turns out that a third of the poor souls don't have broadband at home. But they shall not weep, for the US government shall provide. Although perhaps this is over-egging the pudding a tad: (more…)
You tell 'em Nige!
25 February 2010
Nigel Farage, MEP for the UKIP, has launched a tirade against the grey mouse, Herman Van Rompuy, the President of the European Council. Go get 'em tiger! (more…)
No shit Tex
19 February 2010
A disgruntled pilot got into his monoprop and flew it into the IRS building in Austin, TX. So far, a human tragedy and a two-fingers to the tax man. But this comment from a local eyewitless had me in awe of deductive reasoning, Texas style: (more…)
Life on Mars, or elsewhere?
25 January 2010
Lord Rees, the Astronomer Royal, claims that the discovery of life out there [points at stars] would be a moment which would change humanity. (more…)
IE gets another government health warning
18 January 2010
They seek 'em hereThey seek 'em thereThose Frenchies seek 'em ev'rywhereMalware and trojansCause Windows® to pauseThrough Int'net Exploder's security flaws (more…)
IE gets its very own government health warning
18 January 2010
The German government have issued a warning—presumably to Germans—not to use Internet Exploder in the wake of some Chinese people doing something naughty to Google. M$ are working on fixes to versions 6-8 to rectify the security flaw, hopefully without introducing a new and more exciting one. Presumably users of the venerable version 5 can go screw themselves. (more…)
To Shana a brother, and only 39 years younger
29 December 2009
At 64 years of age, Van Morrison proves to the world that he can't keep it in his trousers there's life in the old dog yet. His manager has just given birth to a baby boy. (more…)
Boy George wants a Big Brother
21 December 2009
London Probation have blocked 48 year-old Boy George O'Dowd's appeal to appear on the last series of Celebrity Big Brother, as he's still under licence from imprisonment and wears an electronic tag. (more…)
No shit Shylock
26 November 2009
…or, rather, Jessica probably. (more…)
Did the earth move? The bloody house fell down!
10 November 2009
Caroline Cartwright from Washington, Tyne and Wear, has appeared at Newcastle Crown Court. She's appealing against a conviction for breaching a noise abatement notice, after she was found guilty of making loud noises during sex. In her defence, she argued that she had a right to respect for her private and family life under Article 8 of the Human Rights Act. (more…)
No shit Sherlock
25 September 2009
Police investigating a woman's body found in a suitcase in a dried-up pond on Kent farmland are treating the death as suspicious. Because natural deaths so often end up with bodies in suitcases? (confused) (more…)
Smoking addictive shocker!
15 September 2009
Some actress who I've never heard of has lung cancer. She smoked and is mad at the cigarette companies: (more…)
24 August 2009
After former model Jasmine Fiore was murdered by her husband, he mutilated her to prevent recognition. Her body was later found in a suitcase near Los Angeles. It's tragic, really, so I feel bad for finding this funny. (more…)
Sorry I'm out of the office, but in Welsh
1 November 2008
All official road signs in Wales are bilingual. So, when Swansea Council needed a translation of a road sign, they sent an email to their in-house translation department. The reply was then dutifully written on the sign. Except that the reply was actually an out of office message, in Welsh! (more…)