Straight up, guv! Would I lie to you?

There are 59 posts tagged: bonkers

A warm, Ufizzi feeling(exclamation): 22 December 2022; The director of the Uffizi Galleries, Eike Schmidt, has laid down rules to his staff for email etiquette. These include no shouty writing; care with underlining; and a prohibition on excessive punctuation, particularly exclamation marks!!!!!
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Psycho: 9 November 2022; To add to my academic achievements in the fields of dentistry; surgery; mining; mineral ore extraction; alcohol toxicity; [cough] case reports, among many others, it appears that I'm shit-hot in the field of psychiatry. Heavens to betsy, who'd've thunk it? Certainly not me!
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A fine fine: 13 October 2022; This headline made me laugh: Alex Jones told to pay $965m to Sandy Hook families.
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Tits-tastic!: 21 September 2022; Kayla Lemieux, a Canadian transgender teacher, has caused both rage and amusement—from different quarters—for attending school classes wearing what can only be described as clownishly oversized, if not flat-out fetishistic, prosthetic breasts. Replete with protruding nipples, the…umm…embellishments hang down to her waist. Lolo Ferrari would've been awe-struck.
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The world's most trusted social media: 21 July 2022; In a discovery that should surprise absolutely nobody, the UK's teenagers rely on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube for news, rather than traditional media outlets. This startling revelation comes in a report from the UK's communications regulator, Ofcom.
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It's all done in the best possible taste: 26 March 2022; After William Collins died in 2020, his family erected an understated and tasteful memorial to the King of Sheffield in his home town. The 37-tonne Italian marble headstone, resplendent with a solar-powered jukebox and two statues of the bare-knuckle prizefighter, has drawn awe and admiration from all who've seen it.
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Bridge over the river Detroit: 14 February 2022; After almost a week-long stand-off with a mélange of malcontented numbskulls, Canadian police have finally liberated the Ambassador Bridge between Windsor, ON, and Detroit, MI.
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The great egg race: 21 January 2022; Zaria Gorvett explores The race to make a multipurpose vegan egg, for the benefit of those of us who weren't even aware that such a thing existed. The race, that is.
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Dutch oven: 16 December 2021; Thierry Baudet, a right-wing Dutch MP, has been ordered by a court to remove Twitter posts likening restrictions against the unvaccinated to the treatment of Jews during the Holocaust.
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Me, myself, I: 30 November 2021; During his pre-trial hearing for participating in the US Capitol riot on 6 January, James Beeks claimed that the court had no jurisdiction over him because he had divine authority. I'm not sure whether he's claiming to be directly related to god, or just a messenger. Perhaps his stage role as Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar has gone to his head; although, from my limited knowledge of the Bible, playing Judas doesn't sound particularly divine.
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This little piggy...: 26 November 2021; BBC News' quiz of the week starts off with a question about BoJo's enjoyment of a children's theme park. I hadn't read the article, so I didn't know the answer…
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The revolution will be televised...: 28 September 2021; …for shitz 'n' gigglz.
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Rapper's denial: 16 September 2021; One of the joys of instant-access social media is that it offers celebrities the opportunity to show the world how moronic they are. In this case, Nicki Minaj declaring on Twitter that the friend of a cousin in Trinidad became impotent after receiving the Chongvax. His testicles became swollen.
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Tinfoil vaccine: 14 August 2021; An international resistance movement opposed to Chongvaxes and restrictions is growing on social media. Their plan is to separate themselves from vaccinated members of society, who they fear will make them ill.
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No vaccine for zombies: 11 August 2021; If you thought that Dr Naomi Wolf's opinions on the Chongvax were naive, others arise from the pit of ingorance who are, if anything, even worse.
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Butch Carter and the superfans kids: 10 August 2021; It seems that, these days, no successful franchise can escape being bled to death, through a combination of creative despondency and corporate desperation. In that vein, Marvel has announced its What If…? series. And it hasn't gone down too well among the MCU stans.
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ALL OUT: 4 August 2021; In Selling Starvation: The Shameful Case of Teddi Mellencamp, Georg Rockall-Schmidt probes into a weight-loss cult led by a minor, nay trivial, celebrity. The daughter of rockcock John Mellencamp—for the record, I've never been a fan; I prefer music—established herself as an accountability coach, running a diet programme called ALL IN.
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Sore losers: 3 August 2021; It appears that Weibo's nationalist shitheads don't take kindly to China's Olympic athletes unpatriotically losing out on gold. From behind their keyboards and keypads, they fulminate and humiliate their fellow countrymen and ‑women for failing at something that they could never achieve themselves. And the athletes, like dumfux, accept it.
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Is there a doctor in the house?: 10 June 2021; Ooooh, I've found another crackpot on YouTube. Aren't I lucky?
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Trust me, I'm a doctor: 6 June 2021; Twitter has suspended Dr Naomi Wolf's account, after she was found to have spread Chongvax misinformation. Her messages included such gems as vaccines being a software platform that can receive uploads, and that the excreta of vaccinated individuals should be separated from general sewage, until its impact on non-vaccinated people through drinking water has been studied. It seems more humorous, in a batshit crazy way, than misinformative to me; although if it's a sign of her mental illness, then I should feel bad for laughing.
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The new Thinkpol in training: 5 May 2021; Sarah Hewitt-Clarkson, head teacher at Anderton Park primary school, is instilling her pupils with a nice little Orwellian ethic. Children have been taught to call out sexist language and even to identify sexist stereotypes in books and worksheets. And the ~~programming~~ training starts at the age of three years in the nursery school.
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Curfew quarrel: 25 March 2021; Following the abduction of Sarah Everard in south London, police officers working on the case in the area advised women not to go out alone and to be careful; which doesn't seem too unreasonable, since the perpetrator was still at large at the time. But Baroness Jones of Moulsecoomb's response in the House of Lords upset a number of people, and was widely ridiculed:
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Best Bond? Shome mishtake shurely!: 25 January 2021; Calvin Dyson ranks his favourite actors to have played James Bond in Ranking James Bond Actors | Personal Favourites. His personal favourite? None other than…Roger Moore! (SMH)
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Picture imperfect: 21 October 2020; If you desire a special commemoration of a beloved pet, acclaimed artist Hercule Van Wolfwinkle is your go-to portraitist. Just supply a photograph of the subject to be immortalised, and he'll supply the magic—availability notwithstanding, he's insanely popular and has a long wait-list. But it's not difficult to see why:
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What a fool believes: 2 August 2020; Elon Musk, a man who believes in life out there [points at the stars], may have embarrassed himself on Twitter by musing on the extraterrestrial origin of the pyramids. Egypt's minister of international co-operation, Rania al-Mashat, and Egyptian archeologist Zahi Hawass have refuted his statement—but they would, wouldn't they?—although I thought that al-Mashat's response was unnecessarily deferential to the space cadet.
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You really couldn't make this up. But someone actually did!: 15 July 2020; I love a good conspiracy theory, they affirm my cynicism towards secrecy and often big government, but the best ones have a ring of truth about them. Which is more than can be said of the Wayfair child trafficking conspiracy theory.
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The Bear necessities: 11 June 2017; Babe and alleged actress, Alicia Silverstone, explains to PEOPLE Magazine that her decision to raise her son, Bear Blu, on a vegan diet was, like herself: such a no-brainer.
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Placebo it is not: 25 June 2013; Convicted child murderer, Ian Brady, is appealing against the diagnosis that he is mentally ill, which might in itself be proof of his mental illness. He wants to be moved from Ashworth high-security psychiatric hospital where, according to him: They give you false drugs and turn you into a zombie.
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An open letter to Google: 20 April 2013; Dear Google,
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A sign of the times?: 19 November 2012; I saw this while on holiday in Portugal recently, a sign on a bouncy castle warning that it's Only for children up to 40 kg, and Do not use the bouncy castle if you suffer from…pregnancy.
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When you're in a hole: 17 November 2012; It seems that Christopher Castillo, a 28-year-old Florida man, doesn't like US president Barack Obama. Apparently, he posted to his Facebook account on 1 November if he gets re-elected I'm going to hunt him down and kill him watch the life disappear from his eyes.
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I'm too young to die!: 9 November 2012; In 2010, President Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan set researchers the task of discovering an elixir that could prolong his life. Two years later, they came up with a bio-yoghurt that they claim will do just that.
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Stop that 'fun' right now!: 30 October 2012; The Catholic Church in Poland has warned that the celebration of Halloween promotes the occult, contradicting Church teachings and even Christianity itself.
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By jingo(ism)!: 6 September 2012; MegaCorpUSA runs a weekly poll on the company intranet. It's trite and easily overlooked. But the most recent asks which nation will win the most medals at the paralympics. Usually these polls attract about 3000-5000 votes, so this one's at an early stage, but of 175 people we seem to have a distinctly deluded majority. Presumably these are night-shift workers, who're either tired or simply just not that bright.
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Mi braynz num: 29 August 2012; It appears that habitual cannabis use, particularly from adolescence, can result in a permanent reduction in IQ.
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Should I become gay?*: 17 August 2012; MegaCorpUSA, in an effort at inclusion, has set up a gay and lesbian and allies group, to spread awareness, if not interesting diseases. Apparently, the network exists for the positive advancement of gay and lesbian issues, and Their goal for this year is to establish themselves further…and increase the number of members. So I think they're asking people to become ~~gay~~ homosexual.
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Raspberry Pi(e) II: 28 March 2012; My youngest daughter, Emily, aged 5, came home from her Montessori pre-school. My wife asked her what she had for lunch, to which she replied: ham and raspberry pie.
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First irrefutable evidence for the Galactic Empire: 15 March 2012; It wasn't fiction after all, but it may have happened in the past, not the future. Galactic Empire stormtroopers obviously had helmets designed for their odd skull shape.
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Wot you lookin' at?: 27 January 2012; Those sons of fun at the USAsian FBI plan to develop—or, rather, have developed for them—a handy-dandy tool that will sniff its way through social networks and suck up all the terrorist plots. Certain keywords that are only used by bad people plotting naughtiness can be added. These will trigger the hairs on the backs of their necks, and bring their righteous wrath down on the sorry arses of Osama and his like-minded friends.
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Eno less than you think: 11 November 2011; I have no idea how I got to reading an interview with Warren Cann, but his thoughts on first meeting Brian Eno, circa 1976:
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SPAM: new serving suggestion: 11 November 2011; That nice Mr/Mrs Chumbla in Nigeria has offered me, and I suspect all of you, their money for FREE.
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Essex girls in club fight shocker!: 24 October 2011; I understand that in the UK you have a televisual entertainment programme entitled The Only Way Is Essex. I'm not sure that I want to know any more about this than I do already…chav TV, say no more!
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Bemused: 15 August 2011; Apparently, and I say apparently because I didn't know of this until just now, a big-screen film adaptation of The Lone Ranger is in the planning. This doesn't bemuse me as such, not even that they've got Johnny Depp to play Tonto when there are a raft of perfectly capable ~~Indian~~ native American actors who could play the part.
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U2@Glastonbury: 24 June 2011; U2 will headline Glastonbury this year, despite the presence of Coldplay. It's uncertain as to whether Bono and his boys will play any numbers from their new megahit, Spiderman: Turn Off The Critics, though.
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Phnaar!: 20 January 2011; Not having a TV that plays anything other than DVDs—i.e. we don't have broadcast televisual entertainment as you know it—I know nothing of these Inbetweeners chappies. I do know of Comic Relief though. It's the sort of thing that makes me happy not to have broadcast televisual entertainment. But I digress.
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The wisdom of IMDb reviews: 28 December 2010; Idly reading of those that passed on in 2010, I learned of Simon MacCorkindale's death in October. For some bizarre reason, they included Manimal in his career triumphs. Christ only knows why, I bet the poor sod would've preferred to forget it.
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Delia Smith, in my very own kitchen!: 4 November 2010; My wife made chocolate brownies today. I tried one and it was very nice, which immediately prompted the following:
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Herstory: 29 October 2010; I can't recall how I came across herstory, but it made me laugh anyway. As a politically-correct term for history viewed through a feminist lens, or a demasculinisation of history, it's nonsensical. It seems to be predicated on the notion that history is somehow innately masculine—because it's got his in it, innit?
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The salad days of a petty thief: 21 September 2010; Hampshire Police have released an e-fit of a casual thief wearing what appears to be a lettuce on his head. If caught, he's to be given a dressing down.
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Of superheroes and Sigmund: 16 August 2010; While philosophers love superheroes, psychologists do not. They're concerned that modern superheroes are an inappropriate role model for boys.
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Apples 'n' Pears: 15 July 2010; The Bonkers Institute has concluded, from a survey of US fat ladies, that those who deposit their chocolate rations on their hips are more likely to have bad memories than those with wobbly bellies.
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Birdemic: shock of reviews: 8 April 2010; Being touted as possibly the worst film ever, Birdemic: Shock and Terror is the story of bad actors and bad dialogue livened up with bald eagles. This, from an IMDb reviewer, may say more about him than anything, but it made me laugh nonetheless:
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Life on Mars, or elsewhere!: 30 March 2010; And now Prof. Bonkers and colleagues from the Cassini space mission have demonstrated that the man in the moon is actually PacMan. Although in this case the moon in question is Mimas, one of those orbiting Saturn.
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The Queens' Regiment: 19 March 2010; Gen. Bonkers (retd) claims that Dutch leaders had told him that Srebrenica fell due to openly gay soldiers in the defending Dutch army. So far, so mundane, but this quote from the BBC puzzled me:
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You tell 'em Nige!: 25 February 2010; Nigel Farage, MEP for the United Kingdom Independence Party, has launched a tirade against the grey mouse, Herman Van Rompuy, the President of the European Council. Go get 'em tiger!
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Life on Mars, or elsewhere?: 25 January 2010; Lord Rees, the Astronomer Royal, claims that the discovery of life out there [points at stars] would be a moment which would change humanity.
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Accurate estimate: 10 March 2005; Reading a report on the measurement of vapour pressure, I came across this snippet which amused me greatly:
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Vegetarianism as the moral high ground: 22 November 2004; This, on the IMDb boards, made me realise that there's more to vegetarianism than not wanting to eat something that had a face.
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Palestine philistine: 8 March 2004; My wife was talking to her sister the other day. Fiona watches the news, while Sam reads OK magazine. The conversation went like this:
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