Will this madness never end?

Hey, ya really bustin' ma balls here!

There are 30 posts tagged: "corporate cobblers"

A spoonful of Sugar...is a spoonful too much
11 May 2022

British entrepreneur, and host of the BBC's rip-off of The Apprentice, Lord Sugar, has lambasted PwC's staff for taking Friday afternoons off over summer. The offer is valid as long as they have their work completed by lunchtime.

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Back to office
3 May 2022

My first day back in the office since April 2020. Two years since I was last here, and I'd like to say it's good to be back. But it really isn't.

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Open goal
24 March 2022

My line micromanager has shared his goals with his team, so that we can align ours with his. Whelmed, I am not.

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Are you trained?
1 March 2022

Q: Mandatory web-based self-training, a waste of time or a valuable corporate resource?

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A different parochial perspective
21 February 2022

The BBC has been moving some of its light programming out of London and into the regions. The most recent move, of Morning Live to Manchester, will offer a broader perspective on the whole of the UK, according to an ex-sportswoman-turned-daytime TV presenter. This is, of course, utter bollocks.

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Unlisted number
17 February 2022

Yesterday, I was met with an authentication error when attempting to access InstantlyForgettableNameCorp's time-management system. The login system is run on Microsoft Azure…you can see where this going, can't you? In order to reset my account, I had to enter a code sent to my mobile number, xx-xxxxx93. Except, I don't have a mobile with a number ending with 93. (confused)

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GOAAALLLLLLL
11 January 2022

Goal-setting season is upon us! The time of the year when HR's shitheads expect us to waste our precious allotted time on this planet, by jumping through pointless hoops to please their brain-dead selves. And the same time of the year when I wish them a wretched new one.

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Pandemic posting
31 December 2021

The pandemic lockdowns have resulted in increased levels of shit on the interwebz. This is not least in part due to the fact that I have been posting more. Much more. But only in terms of quantity, not quality. Fortunately, no one reads this garbage, so no innocent brain cells have been harmed in the course of the fiasco.

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Tail wagging the dog
17 December 2021

We're having a problem with one of our vendors. Or, rather, InstantlyForgettableNameCorp's admin are having a problem with one of our vendors' admin. I can't pretend that I understand it, because I've been excluded from the discussions.

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MegaCorpCH no more
7 December 2021

Earlier this year, MegaCorpCH was sold. I can't remember the exact timeline, since it's lost in the mists of corporate lethargy. But, sometime in the summer, a committee of highly-paid, crack corporate nonentities announced that they'd decided on a new company name. It's a very clever name, derived from the Latin or Greek for something-or-other, and symbolising whatever-the-hell. Unfortunately, it's not particularly memorable or inspiring. But, at least it's home.

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A vacant lot
29 November 2021

End-of-year bullshit from the mouth-breathers in MegaCorpCH's HR department.

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When 'yes' means 'no'
19 November 2021

According to David Robson, for BBC Worklife, people are more likely to comply with requests for assistance, through fear of disagreement otherwise. All very psychological.

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Carded
6 September 2021

For wont of anything better to do with her time, and the BBC licence payers' money, Adrienne Murray asks the burning question of the day: Has Covid killed off business cards for good?

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If you manage the micros, the macros will manage themselves
24 August 2021

When I first spoke with my current line manager, after he joined the company, he assured me that he's not a micromanager. If that's true, then he certainly demonstrates micromanaging tendencies. Is there anyone more pathetic and less awe-inspiring than a man, or woman, with a tracking spreadsheet?

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Marco is a NSFW
18 August 2021

A colleague at work sent an internal email, requesting feedback on a particular vendor. I work in a multi-cultural, multi-national company, and I am at the upper end of the age spectrum. So I fully expect that different people have different points of view and personal standards. Nevertheless, I found the response from one of our newer, non-Anglo members of staff a little surprising; especially since it didn't even include a NSFW warning.

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Meet the new boss...
22 July 2021

MegaCorpCH has a new CEO. Yay! And this is only the fifth that we've had in the six years that I've been working here. (SMH)

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Secret password
20 May 2021

I finally got access to the LAN and Roomz. Except, not quite. Of course, the password for Roomz is not synchronised with the company's single sign-on, because that would make things too easy. Roomz requires a password to be set separately, with its own specific requirements.

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Corporate utopia
24 February 2021

Octopus Energy is a UK start-up selling green energy. The company is valued at £1.4bn, has 1,200 employees and more than 1.9 million UK customers, and is expanding into into other countries. Most importantly, its CEO, Greg Jackson, has no interest in HR or IT departments.

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Those who can, do
29 October 2020

For those who can't, a career in HR beckons.

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70 GOTO 10
7 September 2020

As part of its response to the China syndrome, MegaCorpCH has instituted remote working, as well as social distancing for those who have to go into the office. To comply with the latter, we are required to book office space using Roomz.

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I have a dream...
1 September 2020

…that one day I'll be LinkedOut.

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Time bandits
27 July 2020

Last year, MegaCorpCH changed its time recording system from SAP to Kronos. I'm not a fan of SAP, but all I can conclude, from my subsequent experience, is that the decision to move over to Kronos must've involved a bloody good game of golf, followed by a bloody good dinner, accompanied by copious amounts of a bloody good wine. Because, even in comparison to SAP's meagre user friendliness, Kronos is a sack of shit.

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Looking a gift horse in the mouth
18 December 2019

'Tis the season of glad tidings, and MegaCorpCH is in generous mood. My US colleagues have each received a $25 gift voucher, to dispose of as they wish.

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Safety in mind
5 December 2019

MegaCorpCH is committed to worker safety. This gives all of its employees a warm, fuzzy feeling, for it means that the man cares about us.

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Must. Drink. More. Koolade
25 October 2017

MegaCorpCH's Internal Communications department seems to think that employees are stupid. Or perhaps they just assume that we're as brain-dead as they are?

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The Dark Side
13 April 2013

Mondo sadness…I have purchased a Windoze computer! (sad)

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By jingo(ism)!
6 September 2012

MegaCorpUSA runs a weekly poll on the company intranet. It's trite and easily overlooked. But the most recent asks which nation will win the most medals at the paralympics. Usually these polls attract about 3000-5000 votes, so this one's at an early stage, but of 175 people we seem to have a distinctly deluded majority. Presumably these are night-shift workers, who're either tired or simply just not that bright.

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Should I become gay?*
17 August 2012

MegaCorpUSA, in an effort at inclusion, has set up a gay and lesbian and allies group, to spread awareness, if not interesting diseases. Apparently, the network exists for the positive advancement of gay and lesbian issues, and Their goal for this year is to establish themselves further…and increase the number of members. So I think they're asking people to become gay homosexual.

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Happy holidays from MegaCorpUSA
7 December 2011

MegaCorpUSA shares the office complex with a small subsidiary joint-venture company, for which Frank works. I was having lunch with Frank today, during which he bemoaned the Christmas gift that he, and all the other office staff, had received: an iPad.

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Square pegs, round holes
8 May 2004

Six Sigma, 6σ, is a methodology for manufacturing process improvement. It's been successfully used to reduce failures, and thereby increase efficiency, which saves money. MegaCorpUSA likes saving money. So, duly, MegaCorpUSA introduced 6σ to the workplace.

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