This is my truth

Are you trained?

Not long after I joined the company, MegaCorpUSA introduced mandatory web-based training on business ethics, and other stuff that was too dull not to forget. The concepts that we were being trained on were so basic that, if you had even a modicum of common sense, you could pretty much wing it. So I did. The training itself was non-existent and a waste of time; this was simply a box-ticking exercise.* Anyhow, I just got on with it, raced through to the end, successfully completed without even having to think too much. Job done.

I couldn't have been the only employee to fast-track the learning process though, because the suits wised up, for they are not as stupid as they might seem. They introduced a timer, so that the course could not be completed too quickly, and thus it must be done properly. Or so they thought, for they are as stupid as they might seem. I raced through to the end, then went to fetch a drink, before returning for the press of the final button. Job done.

Not long after I joined the company, MegaCorpCH introduced its own mandatory web-based compliance training. Again, I just got on with it, raced through to the end, successfully completed without even having to think too much. Job done.

InstantlyForgettableNameCorp has now introduced its own, instantly forgettable mandatory web-based compliance training. I have just completed the first course on something or other. But InstantlyForgettableNameCorp has introduced its own spin on monitoring the pace of the course. At least, I think that's what this means:

Please be advised employee completion rates are monitored and will be considered in employee overall performance evaluation.

General Counsel, InstantlyForgettableNameCorp

You can tell that was written by a lawyer, by the lack of punctuation. Apparently, lawyers don't like commas. But I was under the impression that they also dislike ambiguity, and employee completion rates is ambiguous: does it mean the time to complete the courses, the click-through rate; or the proportion of employees completing and passing the courses, the success rate? This could've been worded more clearly, but for now I'm going to assume the former; which, in my case, is the worst case.

Fortunately, I passed the first course—while multitasking a YouTube video to help slow the pace—with an above-benchmark score.** Whatever-the-hell that means. I can now consider myself to have been trained in something. The excitement is almost palpable.

  • IMO self-training is only useful if people want/need to be trained, and see a purpose in it. Corporate box-ticking training doesn't cut it, except as a legal CYA.* YMMV.

* IIRC, MegaCorpUSA introduced ethics training as a response to the US Sarbanes-Oxley Act. That probably explains why the programmes that I've taken part in been subjected to have been developed in the US, and are consequently Americentric. It also explains why the mandates to take part come from, and are surveilled in, the US. Otherwise, who'd give a shit?

** This is despite not giving the expected response to one question. I answered that gifting a branded baseball cap was unacceptable, because it's culturally insensitive. The expected answer, obviously determined by a baseball cap-wearing mong, was that this gift is acceptable. In my opinion, not hailing from a baseballing nation, and having zero interest in the game, baseball caps are worn by cunts. Receiving one as a gift, therefore, is akin to being told that you're a cunt. So my answer was correct!

I completed a training course only recently. I'd forgotten what the subject was, but this announcement of an upcoming one reminded me. TFFT. (phew)

At the beginning of next week, the [sic] [InstantlyForgettableNameCorp]’s Compliance Group will launch the third Compliance training course, “Anti-Bribery and Anti-Corruption 2022.” This course will be provided through True Office Learning to all full time company employees. As with the previous training courses, this course aims to take an adaptive, learning-by-doing approach to create an engaging experience for our employees. Usually, employees are allowed 45 days to complete these compliance trainings but, with the holidays approaching soon, we will be providing additional time to complete this training course. Please note that employees who have not completed the previous training courses (Living by the Code, 2022, Code of Conduct and Conflicts of Interest 2022), that were launched earlier this year, were contacted and provided with additional time to complete.

InstantlyForgettableNameCorp Compliance Group

Most importantly, it took an adaptive, learning-by-doing approach, thus offering an engaging experience. Which is nice, but I can't say I noticed at the time. It certainly didn't make it any less irritating, or more memorable. (shrug)