I think I've pissed myself

Here's the skinny

There are 70 posts tagged: grumpy

Swifter Bowl
12 February 2024

The US NFL's Super Bowl LVIII was a thing yesterday. And excitable little monkeys among BBC News' editorial team just can't spew out enough coverage, no matter how tenuous.

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UPS in the air
31 January 2024

UPS has announced the loss of 12,000 jobs, in the light of a difficult and disappointing year, and a quite luxurious pay deal meted out to its full-time drivers, for whom 2023 seems to have been really quite agreeable.

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Check it out
16 January 2024

Writing for BBC Worklife, Sam Becker examines the apparent spectacular failure of self-checkout technology. Retailers introduced automated checkout facilities to save money on checkout staff, and shoppers took to it for its speed and efficiency. But both groups' views on the technology have since soured in the UK and US. According to Becker, theft; technical failures; and waiting for staff support are among the reasons cited.

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The passive aggression of 'beep-beep'
1 September 2023

As computer technology takes over more of our autonomy behind the steering wheel, car manufacturers find more ways of doing the thinking for us. Even if we're quite capable of doing it ourselves. I've been driving for nigh on forty years, I have two functioning eyes, and two generally functioning ears. I think I've pretty much got the the knack of this driving malarkey.

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Lies, damned lies, and marketing
27 April 2023

Travelling from London Paddington to Heathrow Airport, I thought I'd avail myself of the complimentary Wi-Fi service. I'd already done so at Paddington station, where connection to the internet is simply a case of selecting Wi-Fi service provider and accepting the T&C.

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Government-funded anti-government media
10 April 2023

A couple of days ago, Twitter designated NPR as state-affiliated media, although it has since backtracked slightly, amending its label to government funded media. At the time, I wondered how long it would take for the BBC to be assigned a new label.

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Parisian walkways
3 April 2023

Life in Paris just got a little better, as long as you overlook the festering waste in the streets. For Parisians have voted, by an overwhelming 90% majority, to ban commercial e-scooters.

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Free wees
23 November 2022

The UK's Supreme Court has ruled the Scottish government cannot hold a second independence referendum next October, without approval from the UK government. Scotland's first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, isn't happy; she'd prefer a free Scotland to be governed by Brussels rather than Westminster.

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Souper
16 October 2022

Two spotty greebos protesting for Just Stop Oil threw what appeared to be tomato soup over Van Gogh's Sunflowers painting at London's National Gallery. This what appeared to be tomato soup wasn't just any old common-or-garden tomato soup though, but Heinz's cream of tomato soup. The very best of its kind. Fact!

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Subceeding expectations
10 September 2022

OH. MY. GARRRRD. The bestest-iPhone-evarzies!!!!™ has been introduced to an expectant world. This new iteration of the seminal smartphone includes: a new camera; Dynamic Island, a widget thing that changes shape; and emergency calls via satellite.* It's just as well that I was sitting down when I read that lot!

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My way or the highway
8 September 2022

According to the Automobile Association, over 60% of British drivers are unaware of changes to the Highway Code that were introduced earlier this year. The changes give greater road priority to pedestrians, cyclists and horse riders.

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Triggered
25 August 2022

There was a time when a TV or film production that contained graphic or upsetting scenes would be accompanied by an advisory content warning to that effect, so as to suitably prepare the unwary. And there's absolutely nothing wrong in that. Now, however, they're accompanied by trigger warnings.

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Half dutch
16 August 2022

This cropped up as a most read lead on BBC News online. What at first appeared to be a compelling national statement on social media abstinence, however, turns out to be a very much more mundane tale of a minor celebrity stepping away from InstaTweet. What a let-down! (thumbdown)

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Negative drop
17 July 2022

I see this quite often, and not just in reference to films tanking in their second week at the box office. A -68% reduction is akin to a 68% increase, although admittedly it doesn't make much sense as such.

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Low interest
20 June 2022

The lead from the BBC's home page tantalises five ways in which the rise in US interest rates will affect you. Compelling, no?

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Cotton candy correspondents
14 June 2022

It kinda irritates me when news is reported with holes in it, to avoid causing offence to some cosseted group or another.

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Bum upgrade
19 May 2022

I finally gave in and upgraded my MacBook Pro to macOS 12.3, Monterey. Overall, I'm not angry, just disappointed. (SMH)

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Spelling Bee
27 April 2022

Spelling Bee is an online word game, hosted by the New York Times. You're given seven letters, arranged in a honeycomb pattern—ho ho ho—from which to make words. The only stipulations are that each must be on the list of accepted words; must be at least four letters long; and must contain the letter in the centre.

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Apple turnover
25 March 2022

The world's most valuable company needs more money. Apple, with a market capitalisation of only $2.8 trillion, may introduce hardware as a subscription service, starting with the iPhone.

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Are you trained?
1 March 2022

Not long after I joined the company, MegaCorpUSA introduced mandatory web-based training on business ethics, and other stuff that was too dull not to forget. The concepts that we were being trained on were so basic that, if you had even a modicum of common sense, you could pretty much wing it. So I did. The training itself was non-existent and a waste of time; this was simply a box-ticking exercise.* Anyhow, I just got on with it, raced through to the end, successfully completed without even having to think too much. Job done.

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Psst
25 February 2022

Rant-mode: ON

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Hopeless response
11 February 2022

I receive a lot of unsolicited email from predatory publishers. Most messages are simply too unremarkable for comment. Some are amusingly inept in one way or another. Few actually piss me off.

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macOS upgrade: option missing
27 January 2022

I have no compelling reason to upgrade to macOS Monterey. And this notification came in, disturbing me while I'm doing something else, and just getting in the way. (mad)

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CS:CH
11 January 2022

One of the appliances in my pied-à-terre has gone on the blink. After almost a week, the service company has deigned to send an engineer to look at it tomorrow. FWP, eh?

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Sky vs Sony: which hates me most?
22 December 2021

…or, rather, which is most indifferent to me?

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Tail wagging the dog
17 December 2021

We're having a problem at work with one of our vendors. Or, rather, InstantlyForgettableNameCorp's admin are having a problem with one of our vendors' admin. I can't pretend that I understand it, because I've been excluded from the discussions.

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By these four steps
6 December 2021

Don't you just hate supermarket carparks that are entered close to the store's doors, and then filter to the furthest part? Nobody seems to want to be sensible, and move on to the areas where there are plenty of available spaces, because that would involve walking. No, they have to dither as close to the store as possible, holding up everyone else as they fuck about trying to park their car. (angry)

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A vacant lot
29 November 2021

End-of-year bullshit from the mouth-breathers in MegaCorpCH's HR department.

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Yippy, not yippee
19 November 2021

I don't hate dogs. But I do have a passionate dislike of some dog owners.

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Saving lives: one fat, brown, gay kiss at a time
27 October 2021

According to hyperbolic tosspots at the premiere of Eternals, the representation of fat, non-white, and gay superheroes is affirming and will save lives.

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Bondbots
12 October 2021

After several postponements, No Time To Die has finally made it to cinemas, two years later than planned. Early reviews suggest that it's both better, and worse, than some had feared. On the plus side, it's not the hatchet job to the character that early marketing had suggested. Whether this is because the marketing was misguided, or whether the excesses had been walked back by the producers in the intervening period, is anyone's guess. I really don't care.

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Change monkey: change for the sake of it
12 October 2021

I hadn't realised that Apple have released a new version of iOS. So, when my 'phone announced a new update was available, I absent-mindedly installed it. Oh, bugger!

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Indienono
24 September 2021

Since backing Trent Kaniuga's CreeD RE:Imaginary, I found Billy Tucci and Maria Sanopo's Miss Fury: Joy Division. What are the odds? It's only $30. So, I thought, why not?

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Representation, arse
20 September 2021

Apropos of nothing in particular, just getting this down, really.

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Dial 'M' for monotonous
26 August 2021

YouTube's random algorithm has thrown up the promotional video for M's Pop Music at me, several times in the last couple of weeks. I really didn't like that song back in 1979, and the forty-odd intervening years have done nothing to improve my opinion of it.

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If you manage the micros, the macros will manage themselves
24 August 2021

When I first spoke with my current line manager, after he joined the company, he assured me that he's not a micromanager. If that's true, then he certainly demonstrates micromanaging tendencies. Is there anyone more pathetic and less inspiring than a man, or woman, with a tracking spreadsheet? I think it's a sign of insecurity, or not having enough real work to keep them gainfully occupied.

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L&O:SVU
15 August 2021

I watched Law & Order on UK terrestrial TV, back in the day. It was a reasonable enough way to pass the time, given that would've passed anyway. The police procedural half of the show was entertaining, but although the prosecution half wrapped the story up, I was never that interested in lawyers talking legal bollocks. Lawyers aren't likeable heroes. Even if they're on the side of good, they're at best a necessary evil.

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Doesn't ad up
8 August 2021

Many moons ago—over eight years' worth, in fact—I lamented Google's inability to use HTTP headers to detect language preferences. Things haven't changed much, if at all, since then.

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Can I have a 'please, no more emojis' emoji?
25 July 2021

It appears that the BBC considers the creation of emojis to be of such importance that they assigned not one, but two of their crack business reporters to the task of writing an article on emojis that don't exist. Yet.

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The sixth sense
23 July 2021

Writing for BBC Future, David Robson explores the complexities of Chongvax hesitancy. To cut a dull story short, much of the reluctance is attributed to the 5Cs: confidence; complacency; calculation; constraints, or convenience; and collective responsibility.

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Iron Fist
18 July 2021

I recently happened across Marvel's Iron Fist on Netflix. I'd never heard of the character before, but I can only assume that the comic book version must've been way less irritating. Otherwise, he'd never have got his own show. Right?

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Game for a laugh
13 July 2021

A sealed copy of Super Mario 64 has sold at auction for a record $1.5m. This is the price range previously occupied only by significant works of art, which can be hung on a wall and admired for the artist's skill. In this case, however, the high price is commanded for physical memorabilia, in the same way as rare trading cards.

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Is this really 'news'?
9 July 2021

The BBC claims to be the world's most trusted international news broadcaster. I take this to mean that it broadcasts news of international importance. If so, how on earth does this non-story make the home page?

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Just. Can't. Stop.
7 July 2021

See? They just can't help themselves.

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55 years and counting
28 June 2021

Heading into their last sixteen Euro 2020 match against Germany, England manager Gareth Southgate describes it as an historic opportunity.

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Hello, Dolly!
9 June 2021

Beth Roars asks What Happened to Miley Cyrus' Voice?

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Gorefundme
9 June 2021

British Airways is in the news. Again. For all the wrong reasons. Again.

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Bada Bing, bada boom
5 June 2021

Tank Man was an iconic symbol of the 1989 student protests in Tiananmen Square. A lone, unidentified man stood in front of a column of Chinese PLA tanks, only moving as the lead tank tried to manoeuvre around him, to once again block its path. China has censored all reference to this protest within the country. The L in PLA is as ironic as Tank Man is iconic.

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My mum's newspaper, as an audiobook
27 May 2021

YouTube's algorithm is broken. Again. Or possibly it's because I can't set preferences, since I'm not signed into an account that I don't have. Whatever, the borg keeps bringing up The Podcast Of The Lotus Eaters and, worse, Alex Bellend Belfield, the self-styled voices in his head voice of reason in my recommended videos. For the love of the children, why?

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Quinoa
16 May 2021

Beyond subsistence, what's the point of quinoa in a modern diet? It doesn't taste of anything, let alone anything interesting, and you can't eat it with a fork. If flavours were colours, it would be something inoffensive and dull, like beige or pale-to-mid grey. Yet restaurants, bistros, and supermarkets insist on including it in salads, where all that it adds is bulk.

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Null points*
2 April 2021

The Dutch government has given permission for 3,500 fans to attend the Eurovision Song Contest in person this year. I'm surprised that there are that many. Obviously lockdown has had a greater detrimental effect on the Dutch psyche than I'd imagined.

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The Price is right
23 March 2021

Alexander Price, a teacher at Denbigh High School in north Wales, has been struck off the teachers' register for two years, for inappropriate, offensive, or derogatory blog posts, in which he mocked the school's pupils and teaching staff. Among other thoughts, he described the girls attending school prom as dressing like Eastern European prostitutes and Kardashian clones; having poorly applied fake tans, because they were too illiterate to read the instructions; and as overweight girls being shoehorned into gowns and paraded through the town like cattle.

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Office coffee
20 January 2021

Writing for BBC Worklife, Bryan Lufkin espouses on Why you’re more creative in coffee shops.

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BBC Radio Snowflake
19 November 2020

The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl's Fairytale of New York is a Christmas classic, beloved since its release in 1987. This year, however, BBC Radio 1 will only play an edited version because its audience may be offended by some of the lyrics. Shit…bag! (snowflake)

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I h8 Netflix
15 September 2020

I don't even know how to start this one.

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I have a dream…
1 September 2020

…that one day I'll be LinkedOut.

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Apples 'n' pears: logo wars
12 August 2020

The couple behind Prepear, a recipe and meal planning app, are preparing to do legal battle with the mighty Apple Corporation. And all because they want to use a pear as their logo.

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Masking the joy
15 July 2020

Part of the thrill is letting it all out. This doesn't look like fun to me.

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Looking a gift horse in the mouth
18 December 2019

'Tis the season of glad tidings, and MegaCorpCH is in generous mood. My US colleagues have each received a $25 gift voucher, to dispose of as they wish.

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Safety in mind
5 December 2019

MegaCorpCH is committed to worker safety. This gives all of its employees a warm, fuzzy feeling, for it means that the man cares about us.

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Who ya gonna call? Cardi, Cardi
She sounds like a 'tardi, 'tardi
23 April 2018

Rap and hip-hop music, you either love it or hate it. Or you're indifferent to it. I guess that covers all the bases.

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A sign of the times
19 October 2017

Depressingly enough, health trusts in the UK are resorting to prize raffles to encourage staff to take free winter influenza jabs. They are directly in contact with patients, yet last year the uptake among frontline staff was only 29%. Refusal to take the shots should be a disciplinary action, the trusts shouldn't be namby-pambying around with staff who have a duty to patients. (grumpy)

Seeing double
21 September 2016

Another day, another black man killed by US police. It's so every day that it doesn't bear comment. But I am angry at the abuse of the English language by a woman claiming to be Keith Lamont Scott's sister: He didn't have no gun, and He wasn't messing with nobody.

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Adobe updates
30 August 2014

I really do wish Adobe would go fuck themselves. And I don't care how many legal, moral, or religious rules this would break. Really I don't.

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Ingrish
27 June 2013

Hoji Takahashi, 71, is seeking 1.4 million yen ($14,300; £9,300) in damages from Japan's national broadcaster, NHK, for mental distress resulting from excessive use of loanwords borrowed from English in their news and entertainment programmes. These include such commonly used English words as toraburu, trouble; risuku, risk; shisutemu, system; kompulaianse, compliance; kolaborasion, collaboration; dejitaru, digital; and taoru, towel.

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U iz stoopid
24 June 2013

While reading about thoracotomy, as you do, I came across this question on Yahoo! Answers: How do doctors get passed the rib cage during surgery? Which seems pretty reasonable, despite the misspelling.

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An open letter to Google
20 April 2013

Dear Google,

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Happy holidays from MegaCorpUSA
7 December 2011

MegaCorpUSA shares the office complex with a small subsidiary joint-venture company, for which Frank works. I was having lunch with Frank today, during which he bemoaned the Christmas gift that he, and all the other office staff, had received: an iPad.

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Security checkpoints
10 November 2004

Okay, not so much security checkpoints because they more often than not play an important role. The problem is with the cockheads who know they have to show their security pass but, instead of having it ready, dick around looking in pockets, bags, and glove boxes. Coming in to work today, I got stuck behind two cars where the driver had to hunt for their pass. I mean, that fucking checkpoint has been there for years, what the hell were they expecting? (furious)

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10lb of shit in a 5lb bag
23 March 2004

Girls showing midriff is okay if they're fit, but why do they do it when they have a roll of flab hanging over their jeans? It's just bad taste really.

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