I think I've soiled myself

It's all done in the best possible taste

photo of gaudy marble memorial
It's all done in the best possible taste: Who wouldn't want to gaze on this humble tribute?

After William Collins died in 2020, his family erected an understated and tasteful memorial to the King of Sheffield in his home town. The 37-tonne Italian marble headstone, resplendent with a solar-powered jukebox and two statues of the bare-knuckle prizefighter, has drawn awe and admiration from all who've seen it.

But the spoilsports at the local council, which runs Sheffield Shiregreen Cemetery, say that the construction breaches the permission that the family had been granted, as well as the rules for memorials in the cemetery. Accordingly, they've referred the matter to the Taste Police FGU (Faux Gold Unit).

white horse, white hearse, gold casket Ark Media
A funeral fit for a princess: Mr Collins' funeral was as understated as his memorial. A gold casket in a white, horse-drawn hearse, led a cortège of white Rolls-Royce cars.

Actually, I think it's a gaudy and tasteless eyesore. But I've no doubt that Alice Tinker would've approved.