And it's come to this

I could get into trouble for this

There are 59 posts tagged: bonkers

A warm, Ufizzi feeling(exclamation)
22 December 2022

The director of the Uffizi Galleries, Eike Schmidt, has laid down rules to his staff for email etiquette. These include no shouty writing; care with underlining; and a prohibition on excessive punctuation, particularly exclamation marks!!!!!

9 November 2022

To add to my academic achievements in the fields of dentistry; surgery; mining; mineral ore extraction; alcohol toxicity; [cough] case reports, among many others, it appears that I'm shit-hot in the field of psychiatry. Heavens to betsy, who'd've thunk it? Certainly not me!

A fine fine
13 October 2022

This headline made me laugh: Alex Jones told to pay $965m to Sandy Hook families.

21 September 2022

Kayla Lemieux, a Canadian transgender teacher, has caused both rage and amusement—from different quarters—for attending school classes wearing what can only be described as clownishly oversized, if not flat-out fetishistic, prosthetic breasts. Replete with protruding nipples, the…umm…embellishments hang down to her waist. Lolo Ferrari would've been awe-struck.

The world's most trusted social media
21 July 2022

In a discovery that should surprise absolutely nobody, the UK's teenagers rely on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube for news, rather than traditional media outlets. This startling revelation comes in a report from the UK's communications regulator, Ofcom.

It's all done in the best possible taste
26 March 2022

After William Collins died in 2020, his family erected an understated and tasteful memorial to the King of Sheffield in his home town. The 37-tonne Italian marble headstone, resplendent with a solar-powered jukebox and two statues of the bare-knuckle prizefighter, has drawn awe and admiration from all who've seen it.

Bridge over the river Detroit
14 February 2022

After almost a week-long stand-off with a mélange of malcontented numbskulls, Canadian police have finally liberated the Ambassador Bridge between Windsor, ON, and Detroit, MI.

The great egg race
21 January 2022

Zaria Gorvett explores The race to make a multipurpose vegan egg, for the benefit of those of us who weren't even aware that such a thing existed. The race, that is.

Dutch oven
16 December 2021

Thierry Baudet, a right-wing Dutch MP, has been ordered by a court to remove Twitter posts likening restrictions against the unvaccinated to the treatment of Jews during the Holocaust.

Me, myself, I
30 November 2021

During his pre-trial hearing for participating in the US Capitol riot on 6 January, James Beeks claimed that the court had no jurisdiction over him because he had divine authority. I'm not sure whether he's claiming to be directly related to god, or just a messenger. Perhaps his stage role as Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar has gone to his head; although, from my limited knowledge of the Bible, playing Judas doesn't sound particularly divine.

This little piggy…
26 November 2021

BBC News' quiz of the week starts off with a question about BoJo's enjoyment of a children's theme park. I hadn't read the article, so I didn't know the answer…

The revolution will be televised…
28 September 2021

…for shitz 'n' gigglz.

Rapper's denial
16 September 2021

One of the joys of instant-access social media is that it offers celebrities the opportunity to show the world how moronic they are. In this case, Nicki Minaj declaring on Twitter that the friend of a cousin in Trinidad became impotent after receiving the Chongvax. His testicles became swollen.

Tinfoil vaccine
14 August 2021

An international resistance movement opposed to Chongvaxes and restrictions is growing on social media. Their plan is to separate themselves from vaccinated members of society, who they fear will make them ill.

No vaccine for zombies
11 August 2021

If you thought that Dr Naomi Wolf's opinions on the Chongvax were naive, others arise from the pit of ingorance who are, if anything, even worse.

Butch Carter and the superfans kids
10 August 2021

It seems that, these days, no successful franchise can escape being bled to death, through a combination of creative despondency and corporate desperation. In that vein, Marvel has announced its What If…? series. And it hasn't gone down too well among the MCU stans.

4 August 2021

In Selling Starvation: The Shameful Case of Teddi Mellencamp, Georg Rockall-Schmidt probes into a weight-loss cult led by a minor, nay trivial, celebrity. The daughter of rockcock John Mellencamp—for the record, I've never been a fan; I prefer music—established herself as an accountability coach, running a diet programme called ALL IN.

Sore losers
3 August 2021

It appears that Weibo's nationalist shitheads don't take kindly to China's Olympic athletes unpatriotically losing out on gold. From behind their keyboards and keypads, they fulminate and humiliate their fellow countrymen and ‑women for failing at something that they could never achieve themselves. And the athletes, like dumfux, accept it.

Is there a doctor in the house?
10 June 2021

Ooooh, I've found another crackpot on YouTube. Aren't I lucky?

Trust me, I'm a doctor
6 June 2021

Twitter has suspended Dr Naomi Wolf's account, after she was found to have spread Chongvax misinformation. Her messages included such gems as vaccines being a software platform that can receive uploads, and that the excreta of vaccinated individuals should be separated from general sewage, until its impact on non-vaccinated people through drinking water has been studied. It seems more humorous, in a batshit crazy way, than misinformative to me; although if it's a sign of her mental illness, then I should feel bad for laughing.

The new Thinkpol in training
5 May 2021

Sarah Hewitt-Clarkson, head teacher at Anderton Park primary school, is instilling her pupils with a nice little Orwellian ethic. Children have been taught to call out sexist language and even to identify sexist stereotypes in books and worksheets. And the programming training starts at the age of three years in the nursery school.

Curfew quarrel
25 March 2021

Following the abduction of Sarah Everard in south London, police officers working on the case in the area advised women not to go out alone and to be careful; which doesn't seem too unreasonable, since the perpetrator was still at large at the time. But Baroness Jones of Moulsecoomb's response in the House of Lords upset a number of people, and was widely ridiculed:

Best Bond? Shome mishtake shurely!
25 January 2021

Calvin Dyson ranks his favourite actors to have played James Bond in Ranking James Bond Actors | Personal Favourites. His personal favourite? None other than…Roger Moore! (SMH)

Picture imperfect
21 October 2020

If you desire a special commemoration of a beloved pet, acclaimed artist Hercule Van Wolfwinkle is your go-to portraitist. Just supply a photograph of the subject to be immortalised, and he'll supply the magic—availability notwithstanding, he's insanely popular and has a long wait-list. But it's not difficult to see why:

What a fool believes
2 August 2020

Elon Musk, a man who believes in life out there [points at the stars], may have embarrassed himself on Twitter by musing on the extraterrestrial origin of the pyramids. Egypt's minister of international co-operation, Rania al-Mashat, and Egyptian archeologist Zahi Hawass have refuted his statement—but they would, wouldn't they?—although I thought that al-Mashat's response was unnecessarily deferential to the space cadet.

You really couldn't make this up. But someone actually did!
15 July 2020

I love a good conspiracy theory, they affirm my cynicism towards secrecy and often big government, but the best ones have a ring of truth about them. Which is more than can be said of the Wayfair child trafficking conspiracy theory.

The Bear necessities
11 June 2017

Babe and alleged actress, Alicia Silverstone, explains to PEOPLE Magazine that her decision to raise her son, Bear Blu, on a vegan diet was, like herself: such a no-brainer.

Placebo it is not
25 June 2013

Convicted child murderer, Ian Brady, is appealing against the diagnosis that he is mentally ill, which might in itself be proof of his mental illness. He wants to be moved from Ashworth high-security psychiatric hospital where, according to him: They give you false drugs and turn you into a zombie.

An open letter to Google
20 April 2013

Dear Google,

A sign of the times?
19 November 2012

I saw this while on holiday in Portugal recently, a sign on a bouncy castle warning that it's Only for children up to 40 kg, and Do not use the bouncy castle if you suffer from…pregnancy.

When you're in a hole
17 November 2012

It seems that Christopher Castillo, a 28-year-old Florida man, doesn't like US president Barack Obama. Apparently, he posted to his Facebook account on 1 November if he gets re-elected I'm going to hunt him down and kill him watch the life disappear from his eyes.

I'm too young to die!
9 November 2012

In 2010, President Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan set researchers the task of discovering an elixir that could prolong his life. Two years later, they came up with a bio-yoghurt that they claim will do just that.

Stop that 'fun' right now!
30 October 2012

The Catholic Church in Poland has warned that the celebration of Halloween promotes the occult, contradicting Church teachings and even Christianity itself.

By jingo(ism)!
6 September 2012

MegaCorpUSA runs a weekly poll on the company intranet. It's trite and easily overlooked. But the most recent asks which nation will win the most medals at the paralympics. Usually these polls attract about 3000-5000 votes, so this one's at an early stage, but of 175 people we seem to have a distinctly deluded majority. Presumably these are night-shift workers, who're either tired or simply just not that bright.

Mi braynz num
29 August 2012

It appears that habitual cannabis use, particularly from adolescence, can result in a permanent reduction in IQ.

Should I become gay?*
17 August 2012

MegaCorpUSA, in an effort at inclusion, has set up a gay and lesbian and allies group, to spread awareness, if not interesting diseases. Apparently, the network exists for the positive advancement of gay and lesbian issues, and Their goal for this year is to establish themselves further…and increase the number of members. So I think they're asking people to become gay homosexual.

Raspberry Pi(e) II
28 March 2012

My youngest daughter, Emily, aged 5, came home from her Montessori pre-school. My wife asked her what she had for lunch, to which she replied: ham and raspberry pie.

First irrefutable evidence for the Galactic Empire
15 March 2012

It wasn't fiction after all, but it may have happened in the past, not the future. Galactic Empire stormtroopers obviously had helmets designed for their odd skull shape.

Wot you lookin' at?
27 January 2012

Those sons of fun at the USAsian FBI plan to develop—or, rather, have developed for them—a handy-dandy tool that will sniff its way through social networks and suck up all the terrorist plots. Certain keywords that are only used by bad people plotting naughtiness can be added. These will trigger the hairs on the backs of their necks, and bring their righteous wrath down on the sorry arses of Osama and his like-minded friends.

Eno less than you think
11 November 2011

I have no idea how I got to reading an interview with Warren Cann, but his thoughts on first meeting Brian Eno, circa 1976:

SPAM: new serving suggestion
11 November 2011

That nice Mr/Mrs Chumbla in Nigeria has offered me, and I suspect all of you, their money for FREE.

Essex girls in club fight shocker!
24 October 2011

I understand that in the UK you have a televisual entertainment programme entitled The Only Way Is Essex. I'm not sure that I want to know any more about this than I do already…chav TV, say no more!

15 August 2011

Apparently, and I say apparently because I didn't know of this until just now, a big-screen film adaptation of The Lone Ranger is in the planning. This doesn't bemuse me as such, not even that they've got Johnny Depp to play Tonto when there are a raft of perfectly capable Indian native American actors who could play the part.

24 June 2011

U2 will headline Glastonbury this year, despite the presence of Coldplay. It's uncertain as to whether Bono and his boys will play any numbers from their new megahit, Spiderman: Turn Off The Critics, though.

20 January 2011

Not having a TV that plays anything other than DVDs—i.e. we don't have broadcast televisual entertainment as you know it—I know nothing of these Inbetweeners chappies. I do know of Comic Relief though. It's the sort of thing that makes me happy not to have broadcast televisual entertainment. But I digress.

The wisdom of IMDb reviews
28 December 2010

Idly reading of those that passed on in 2010, I learned of Simon MacCorkindale's death in October. For some bizarre reason, they included Manimal in his career triumphs. Christ only knows why, I bet the poor sod would've preferred to forget it.

Delia Smith, in my very own kitchen!
4 November 2010

My wife made chocolate brownies today. I tried one and it was very nice, which immediately prompted the following:

29 October 2010

I can't recall how I came across herstory, but it made me laugh anyway. As a politically-correct term for history viewed through a feminist lens, or a demasculinisation of history, it's nonsensical. It seems to be predicated on the notion that history is somehow innately masculine—because it's got his in it, innit?

The salad days of a petty thief
21 September 2010

Hampshire Police have released an e-fit of a casual thief wearing what appears to be a lettuce on his head. If caught, he's to be given a dressing down.

Of superheroes and Sigmund
16 August 2010

While philosophers love superheroes, psychologists do not. They're concerned that modern superheroes are an inappropriate role model for boys.

Apples 'n' Pears
15 July 2010

The Bonkers Institute has concluded, from a survey of US fat ladies, that those who deposit their chocolate rations on their hips are more likely to have bad memories than those with wobbly bellies.

Birdemic: shock of reviews
8 April 2010

Being touted as possibly the worst film ever, Birdemic: Shock and Terror is the story of bad actors and bad dialogue livened up with bald eagles. This, from an IMDb reviewer, may say more about him than anything, but it made me laugh nonetheless:

Life on Mars, or elsewhere!
30 March 2010

And now Prof. Bonkers and colleagues from the Cassini space mission have demonstrated that the man in the moon is actually PacMan. Although in this case the moon in question is Mimas, one of those orbiting Saturn.

The Queens' Regiment
19 March 2010

Gen. Bonkers (retd) claims that Dutch leaders had told him that Srebrenica fell due to openly gay soldiers in the defending Dutch army. So far, so mundane, but this quote from the BBC puzzled me:

You tell 'em Nige!
25 February 2010

Nigel Farage, MEP for the United Kingdom Independence Party, has launched a tirade against the grey mouse, Herman Van Rompuy, the President of the European Council. Go get 'em tiger!

Life on Mars, or elsewhere?
25 January 2010

Lord Rees, the Astronomer Royal, claims that the discovery of life out there [points at stars] would be a moment which would change humanity.

Accurate estimate
10 March 2005

Reading a report on the measurement of vapour pressure, I came across this snippet which amused me greatly:

Vegetarianism as the moral high ground
22 November 2004

This, on the IMDb boards, made me realise that there's more to vegetarianism than not wanting to eat something that had a face.

Palestine philistine
8 March 2004

My wife was talking to her sister the other day. Fiona watches the news, while Sam reads OK magazine. The conversation went like this: