They'll kill me if they find out I talked

There are 34 posts tagged: you couldn't make this shit up!

No sex please, we're batshit: 13 November 2024; I was hoping for laughs out of POTUS'24, but I never dreamed of anything quite like this!
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Schrödinger's diversity hire: lezzons in supply and demand: 27 April 2024; Richard Meyer has bad news for companies relying on virtue to boost their signal: there's a finite number of lesbians available for diversity hiring. Eventually, the well—or in his words the lez dispenser—is gonna run dry. But that's okay, there's a whole barrel load of other diversities to hire in place of boring white men who only know how to write stories that people want to read.
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Short-lived resurrection: 16 October 2023; A woman in the north-east of England who was declared dead by paramedics and taken to Darlington Memorial Hospital, later reversed the diagnosis before reconfirming it.
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Miss Nederlad: 13 July 2023; A Dutch transgender woman broke boundaries to win the Miss Netherlands title, becoming the second openly transgender woman to enter December's Miss Universe. And, thanks to her gender reassignment surgery, she didn't even have to tuck.
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Get back: 13 June 2023; The burial of a 76-year-old Ecuadorean woman was interrupted when the star of the show insisted on being alive. She's been returned to the hospital where she had previously been declared dead, presumably for them to do the job properly.
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Emojional unintelligence (clown): 2 June 2023; A coalition of Germany’s regional broadcasters has released a list of extreme right wing emojis, use of which on social media can be used to identify you as a fascist pig. These include a student raising their hand, as a nazi salute; an okay symbol alongside a glass of milk, for white supremacy; a clown face, as comment on non-extreme right-wing politics; and a red cross, in place of a swastika. I shit you not: (cross) = (swastika)…(whatever)
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Have we reached peak stupidity yet?: 27 March 2023; haven’t stopped crying since an hour ago. my balls still hurt so bad. Said no woman, ever.
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Sport without sweat (sweaty): 5 August 2022; Until now, opportunities for sporting glory have been limited to people who're physically fit and don't mind getting sweaty. Those who want to stay in bed or loungewear; who don't like getting out of breath; or who don't want to mess up their hair, have been excluded. But all that's changing, as esports are making their debut at this year's Commonwealth Games. And it's about time too!
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It's a complete mystery (SMH): 27 June 2022; Tragedy struck East London, South Africa, when 21 teenagers inexplicably died at the Enyobeni Tavern. The youths were aged between 13 and 17, when the minimum drinking age in South Africa is 18.
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Let me count the ways: 24 June 2022; While searching Google on the subject of plagiarism, as is my wont, I discovered that it comes in many forms. Four, to be precise.
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Gender denial: 24 March 2022; I cannot pretend that I understand the background, or care much, but there's a lot of discussion over the pond about what defines a woman. It seems like a strange question, because the answer's screamingly obvious to anyone with an above-room temperature IQ. But I think it may have something to do with US law, and twinkies' rights over normals.
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Swimmin' with the wimmin: 22 March 2022; Lia Thomas, a trans-woman swimmer, has been dominating US women's college swimming. I simply cannot imagine why. (rolleyes)
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So, who is gay?: 27 February 2022; Back in 2012, the host of Ugandan TV's Morning Breeze, Simon Kaggwa Njala, interviewed Pepe Julian Onziema, a transgender man and prominent ~~LGBTQIABC+FLAPFLAPFLAP~~human rights activist. The interview started out mundanely enough, with a few innocuous pleasantries.
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Of mermaids and morons: 20 February 2022; I was in Starbucks with my eldest daughter earlier today, when I got to thinking about the mermaid in the logo having two tails. Which is weird because, as any fool knows, mermaids only have one tail.
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Whatever grits you through the night: 7 January 2022; Traffic Scotland hosts the Trunk Road Gritter Tracker, a handy-dandy, at-a-glance overview of where its gritter and de-icing trucks are working. Each truck is colour-coded, depending on whether it's currently deployed or in depot. This is the sort of information that the public needs! (thumbup)
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Pizza the action: 27 December 2021; Today the girls decided that they wanted pizzas for dinner. My eldest's favourite shop-bought pizza is Trattoria Alfredo's Deliziosa Salame, from Lidl. It costs CHF3.75, for three medium-sized (25cm diameter) pizzas; that's £1.01, $1.36 each!
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When 'yes' means 'no': 19 November 2021; According to David Robson, for BBC Worklife, people are more likely to comply with requests for assistance, through fear of disagreement otherwise. All very psychological.
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Just passing through: 25 September 2021; File this wanton idiocy under dumb things press secretaries say.
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Of Nazis and nutters: 15 September 2021; Heinrich Himmler sent an expedition to Tibet in 1938, to search for the origins of the Aryan race. This is the same mythical race that was a figment of Hitler's imagination.
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Pickled nothing: 29 August 2021; I've harvested so many chillis this year that I'm going to have to pickle some of them. I've never pickled anything in my life before now. Except, possibly, my brain and liver. (SMH)
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Marco is a NSFW: 18 August 2021; A colleague at work sent an internal email, requesting feedback on a particular vendor. I work in a multi-cultural, multi-national company, and I am at the upper end of the age spectrum. So I fully expect that different people have different points of view and personal standards. Nevertheless, I found the response from one of our newer, non-Anglo members of staff a little surprising; especially since it didn't even include a NSFW warning.
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Can I have a 'please, no more emojis' emoji?: 25 July 2021; It appears that the BBC considers the creation of emojis to be of such importance that they assigned not one, but two of their crack business reporters to the task of writing an article on emojis that don't exist. Yet.
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Population control: 21 July 2021; BBC News's population correspondent, Stephanie Hegarty, reports on the Mexican villages refusing to vaccinate against the Chongvirus. Her article wasn't interesting enough for me to finish reading it.
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Disunite the right!: 25 June 2021; A statue of George Floyd—career criminal and patron saint of fentanyl—situated in Brooklyn, New York, has been vandalised. Presumably by an art connoisseur. It was daubed with the website address of a far-right group called Patriot Front. So far, so what?
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One of our civil servants is missing!: 22 April 2021; A civil servant who was employed at the Ciaccio hospital in Catanzaro, Italy, has been accused of absenteeism since he started working—or not working—at a new position there in 2005. He hasn't attended work at all for fifteen years.
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The call of the wild: 16 April 2021; The citizens of Kraków, Poland, can sleep peacefully in their beds once again.
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Tree Story: 23 March 2021; We are reminded, or informed, for those of us who were blissfully unaware until now, that Keiynan Lonsdale—an actor best known as someone that I'd never heard of before—self-identifies as a tree…FFS, even my sense of humour isn't so perverse as to make this shit up! Lonsdale unironically prefers tree/treeself pronouns, rather than he/him. And the male population breathes a hearty sigh of relief.
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Fear the frost: 24 June 2020; Being the wrong side of 50, I am somewhat behind the curve, not that I was ever ahead of it at the best of times. I'm aware of woke, snowflakes, pandering, and SJW, but only today did I discover that Marvel plan to reboot their superhero team, New Warriors, with their first non-binary character.* This character is also black and wears blue. His/her/its/their name? None other than…ummm…Snowflake.
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Nuclear doughnuts: 4 October 2015; While on holiday in Portugal, my daughters have become accustomed, if not addicted, to Panrico Donuts [sic]. These things seem to have a shelf-life measured in millennia. And that's without refrigeration. God knows what's in them, but they must be packed to the gunnels with preservatives.
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A challenging question?: 24 June 2013; The BBC's The Editors is a programme which sets out to ask challenging questions. The challenging question that John Simpson posed was no less than What has happened to the French joie de vivre?
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He was alive, but we soon took care of that! (proud): 11 June 2013; A man who was pronounced dead at the scene of a fall in Inverness was taken to Raigmore Hospital mortuary, where staff became concerned that the man was showing potential signs of life. He was later pronounced dead for a second, and presumably final, time.
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Quite possibly the most pointless photo on Wikipedia: 25 December 2012; A Wackypaedya article about Brussels sprouts—topical, huh?—is illustrated with this photo of a field of Brussels sprouts after harvest.
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A sign of the times?: 19 November 2012; I saw this while on holiday in Portugal recently, a sign on a bouncy castle warning that it's Only for children up to 40 kg, and Do not use the bouncy castle if you suffer from…pregnancy.
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Palestine philistine: 8 March 2004; My wife was talking to her sister the other day. Fiona watches the news, while Sam reads OK magazine. The conversation went like this:
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